Jandrea...so far

Kara's celebration in Bangkok      Most of today's young ladies in the Philippines dream of a grand celebration when they turn 18 - a "debut" in a 5-star hotel with hundreds of guests welcoming them to society. Because not too many can afford such a lavish feast which can run into quarter of a million pesos for some families, some are just happy holding a party in their homes. But they make sure that all the trappings of the event are still there, no matter  how simple. The debutante is usually in a very fancy outfit. There are rituals of coming of age like dancing with the father and 17 other special males in her life. Then there is the 18 candles, 18 wishes, and so many other 18 somethings that can make the night very loooooooong! Of course, there is special fare that includes the  customary tall and frilly debutante's cake.       But this was not the case when Kara, my daughter, turned 18. While entertaining the idea of hosting such a party for her,  h

Feb 9, '08 10:04 PM UP Diliman Academic Oval      Most days, after rushing through the preparations for the day ahead, I take a 20-minute ride to an oasis. When I am met by this canopy of trees, it seems like breaking through an invisible barrier and being transported into a different world. It is as if a magic air envelops me and a promise of respite from the polluted jungle I have come from immediately follows.       Yes, these Acacia trees have been all these for me for many years. But they took on a new light about 2 years ago when during one ride with Papa (probably his last to the campus), he proudly proclaimed that he was one of those who planted those trees on that lane. He said that when they first moved to the new Diliman campus from the Manila campus around 1948, that space was devoid of those beautiful trees. They were asked to plant the seedlings then that would be 60 years later, these monuments to the pioneers of Diliman.      Now, everytime I gaze at t

Nov 28, 2009  8:53 AM      Didn't think so until yesterday morning.      That day, I finally found the the time to go to the National Kidney and Transplant Institute (NKTI) to have a mammogram done. Because I have postponed doing this for so long, I rushed to the hospital, mindless of the fact that I might not have enough money to pay for the medical procedure. This unfortunate situation, I realized only when I saw the ATM machine by the entrance of the hospital. But the anxious moment lasted only for a second because I thought I could always withdraw some money later.      So after having my request processed, I proceeded to the machine only to find out it was off-line. The guard advised me to go to the Lung Canter in the adjacent building as there was another ATM machine there. It was quite a walk but I didn't mind just so I could have the mammogram that hour. To my horror, it was also off-line! So feeling so helpless but not hopeless, I went back to NK

 May 31, 2010 Today, I found a thin package on my office desk and then another one on our dining table when I got home. Gifts! From my boss, an elegant silk batik scarf from Malaysia in colors befitting my mourning season. From a dearest friend, a shawl in a color and an understated design reminiscent of peacock feathers. When beauty and thoughtfulness come together, what a delight!

July 26, 2010 Today, I pretended that I was a rich but lonely heiress. That I had everything that money could buy but yet I was all alone in this world. Hahaha! Only because when I was swimming in the infinity pool of the gym, I had it all to myself. It was also as if I owned everything I could see from the all-glass wall of the penthouse where the pool was. Hay! Masarap managinip paminsan-minsan.

June 16, 2009    Do not be fooled By the facade of strength and Zen calmness Inside me dwells A well of grief For things that couldn't be And for someone I will never again see. Rain is pouring, steady, strong Then it stops, only to come back again And again...and again Challenging my child-like faith That the sun would light her way Home. But no, the sky is in mourning too Shedding the tears That I do not care to show Slowly washing away Regrets and resentments Till they be no more The garden she loved is green The leaves glisten The flowers are in bloom They have been watered By memories of one who loved us Above all. I am at peace. For Mama (December 12, 1922 - June 11, 2009)

Friday, March 13, 2009 Hayaan mo nang takpan ng mga ulap ang ngiti ko Bayaan na ang gabing madilim, maging kakampi ko Sa pagpigil ng pagsambit ng niloloob ng puso ko. Tunay na dahilan, aking kailangang ikubli Hindi pa ako handa na ipagtapat ... na ako'y bungi!

Detail from Popo San Pascual painting Thursday, December 11, 2008 It was like a scene in movie that is usually shown in slow motion - long lost lovers, separated by distance or circumstance, are reunited after a long period. Except that this time, the characters in this scene were not lovers (well, not in the sappy sense) but a young nun dressed in a simple habit, her feet shod in slippers and a group of raggedy children. From afar, I first espied the nun pulling a trolley heavy with used bottles in crates hastily walking towards where I was. Then my eyes caught the small band of children excitedly running on the street. Nothing new about that until I realized that they were running towards the direction of the sister pulling the heavy load. I was fortunate to catch that very moment they would converge - the smiling children taking hold of the sister's hand and bringing it to their foreheads seeking blessing and the young sister, her face glowing with joy so pur

Thursday, July 10, 2008   Recognize the people in this picture? If you do, then chances are you are a certified, true blue fan of the movie Sound of Music! Yes, those are silhouettes of Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer in that romantic scene in the garden when they finally reveal their feelings for each other while singing 'Perhaps I had a wicked childhood. Perhaps I had a miserable youth! But somewhere in my youth and childhood, I must have done something good..." Cut! O ayan, I got carried away again singing one of my favorite songs from the movie! Saw the movie on TV some days ago so I stopped what I was doing and followed it to its happily-ever-after end. Just like the 101 or so times I've seen it, it left me again with a feeling that all the adversities of this world can be cured with a a spirit of optimism, forbearance, and of course, true love . I watched it first as a child in grade school. While it was showing in the movie houses, I distinctly remember fi

Saturday, September 29, 2007 Chapel of USC, Talamban Campus Kung minsan, parang ang layo-layo mo...  Lalo na kapag nagagalit ako... sa mundo.  Sa mga taong di umaayon sa mga pagkilos na inaasahan ko...  Sa mga pagsubok na sunod-sunod.. Sa mga pangangailangang di matapos-tapos... Sa aking pangungulila sa mga kaibigang nawala... Sa kadilimang sumisilip mula sa kalaliman ng aking diwa.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 Whoever said the best things in life are free probably doesn't like books. I went to two alternative bookstores yesterday and all I could do was browse. The books were so expensive! Nothing an underpaid, overworked teacher could afford on her salary. Not if she has her family's basic needs to think about first. Yesterday, I felt so sorry for myself. Yes, I do like to live simply but if it means being bereft of reading, then it sure seems like a life not worth living. For once, I wished I had disposable, squanderable income. Then having to decide whether to get this book instead of saving up for my kids' tuition money wouldn't be such an excruciating act.

Monday, May 08, 2006 I would have preferred not to teach summer classes but since I'm knee- deep in it, I just have to bear it. One perk of braving the summer heat is being greeted by the sunflowers along University avenue in the morning. Here is one bidding me good-bye as I leave the campus, surviving one more day!

THE MOMENT Eyes closed, recapturing the moment When life-long love was promised With hearts pounding, the clammy hands of two When oneness was honored In laces and froth and the bubbles of youth. Orchids and pink and green beauties Hymns to awe, prayers of hope The duet of sighs and breathy voices The tinkle of glasses and laughter Cues for shy kisses And glorious expectations. Recapturing is naught Only the here and now speaks In loud, sometimes shrill tones Of faded denims and favorite t-shirts torn Of belts and straps holding up much, much more. Behind the darkening shadows of these eyes Are tears shed… and unshed Beyond the reaches of these arms Are Cherished ones who had to leave. And dreams we let go. But always, strung across our hearts Uncut gems of laughter Pearls glisten, elegant life lessons learned together We wear proud the wounds of our struggles And scars of triumphs and cheers. The moment has multiplied in measures untold The promis

Monday, May 29, 2006 7:36 am (Postcard is from http://postsecret.blogspot.com) I should be used to this now. Friends leaving without saying good-bye. And me, not knowing why... And yet it still hurts. It's like tears falling in slow motion. If you try hard, you could catch the tear before it falls. It's like trickles of water escaping from the edge of a dam. What do you do to keep it from overflowing?  Do you confront the well from where the tears spring? But you tell yourself it's not worth it. They didn't think it was.  

Saturday, July 08, 2006  1:08 am T his is the place where you are right now God circled on a map for you - Hafiz Where is the place I am right now? Am I happy where I am? Questions that will have different answers depending on when they are asked. My boss asked me one day through text if I were happy with my life. I said, "Oo naman!" but had an urge to add "but it could be happier". But this is what I said - "I have learned that my life's blessings far outnumber the tears I have shed." Was that the politically (spiritually, would be more like it) correct thing to say? Did I really believe that? On another day, I could have said it with conviction. But what was it about that day that made me hesitate? I guess God draws many circles on the map. He gives you a choice and the one which you choose is one that should make you happy. Now, if only making the choice weren't so hard!  

Tuesday, January 23, 2007  2:59 am "Serving God is not our initiative, but our response and responsibility.Be confident because God is behind us." He has a way of answering questions to which you already know the answer. I have been discouraged in continuing to serve the parish. There are people who seem to be getting in the way of my seemingly "enlightened" path to servanthood. I do want to leave the ministry because of them. I sometimes look forward to worshiping on Sundays at my convenience and not worrying about keeping my weekday mass assignments. But giving up is not included in God's job description of a faithful servant. He reminds me once again (and again and again) that it is Him I serve and no one else. The way is stoney but picking up the stones (to throw at B and H... Sorry, Lord. I couldn't resist it!) is part of the journey to Him. He is indeed behind me!  

Wednesday, July 11, 2007 9:30 am In their eyes, I do not have what matters. Not even a thought that I might have it. Not even a hesitation about who should be chosen. And of course, it wasn't me. I should not feel bad because I decided that this shouldn't be the first in my life. I have given up on it because I feel it is not my place to shine. But I did feel bad. So it means I should not allow them to think so low of me. And the only way this can happen if I pursue my dream relentlessly. Recklessly, if need be!

Sunday, August 10, 2008 3:15 am Nagbago na siya! The phrase is neutral in meaning, I guess. But given a change of voice inflections, it can go either in the direction of delight or the way of panhihinayang. When one is in dire straits or demonstrating intolerable behavior, change is a much-awaited event. A turn-around in fortune and circumstance in that context is welcomed by all. But not when the situation is reversed. Safe to say, it is unfortunate only when change is in the direction from good to bad. Or , I have lately concluded, when it is towards a state that other people are not in agreement with or will adversely affect their own lives. And THAT is not necessarily bad for the CHANGEE! Twice in my life, I have been intensely disliked by some people mainly because I had exhibited behavior which was not usual for me. For many, my default mode is that of an agreeable and compliant person who has made it her mission to please people. In those two instances, I showed

Wednesday, October 08, 2008 10:56 pm Madalas kong tanungin ito sa 'king sarili kapag ang dami ng gawain ng guro ay tila dumadagan na sa aking dibdib hanggang sa tunay na hindi na ako makahinga. May pagkakataon din na iniisip ko kung ang kakarimpot na suweldong tinatanggap ko ay sulit sa lahat ng oras at na inilalaan ko upang magampanan ang aking trabaho. Pinagmumuni-munihan ko rin kung minsan kung dapat ba akong manatiling titser samantalang di nakakarating sa aking kamalayan kung may saysay nga ba ang aking mga binabahagi sa mga estudyanteng labas-pumasok sa aking buhay? Kapag nababasa ko ang SET results, hindi ako nabubuhayan ng loob dahil sa mga nakukuha kong rating. Hindi naman mababa ngunit hindi rin naman kataasan. Para sa akin kasi, ang katamtaman lamang ay di tanda ng magaling na guro! Pagkatapos kong basahin ang mga nakasulat sa peyups.com at wala man lamang nagbabanggit sa akin bilang "most inspiring" o kahit na "most hated", naii

Saturday, November 22, 2008 5:22 pm There comes a point in your life when you realize: who matters, who never did, who won't anymore... and who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. Got this in my e-mail. Got to thinking about (AGAIN!) the friends who went away... the friends that were always there and suddenly had no desire to breathe the same air that sustained me. Too many blog entries have been written about them. Poems even! So many years asking why, why, why! Enough, I guess, even if it means not knowing the their reasons for their staying away. Too much time wasted grappling with the shadows. Too many negative emotions crowding out memories of warmth and laughter shared in days past. Too much wasted energy which should have been invested in celebrations of love and new friendship instead! The time for mourning is up!  Tapos na an

Tuesday, November 10, 2009 4:32 pm  "I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other." "The meeting of these two women is a game with serious risks. A divine dance. When we meet, we are two divine energies, two universes colliding. If the meeting is not carried out with due reverence, one universe destroys the other." - From "Eleven Minutes" by Paul Coehlo   This explains why we are the way we are, sister! Blame it on Mama who was anything but a simple schoolteacher and housewife. Blame it on our St. Jo education which taught us right and wrong but also brought out the Artist in us. Blame it on our liberal UP education which opened our eyes to the countless possibilities the worl

 09/20/2010 04:37 pm Rode the San Agustin bus to Tagaytay last Saturday. Wanted to have one day all to myself before the family joined me a day later. That would give me time to finish all sorts of papers with deadlines I had already missed. I caught the trip leaving the terminal a few minutes past 10 AM. The bus seemed road-worthy and the interiors were neat and clean. The thinly-cushioned seats covered in thick plastic were comfy even if a bit narrow for my generous behind. But that wasn't much of a problem as I had 3 empty seats all to myself. I settled in for what I imagined would be a pleasant and comfortable ride. By noontime, I should be taking lunch in Tagaytay, I predicted. From Cubao to Roxas Blvd, the ride was uneventful. After that, the colorful balloons in my unrealistic mind started to pop one by one. I had to eventually give up the luxury of the 2 seats beside me. No problem, I thought, it's just less a little over an hour to my destination any

08/12/2010 06:32 pm "A creation of importance can only be produced when its author isolates himself, it is a child of solitude." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe      I've never feared being by myself. Even as a child. Or at least I'm good at convincing myself that it's alright to be apart from people. At least some of the time.       Last year, I spent many days either in a a hotel or convent room in Tagaytay, by myself,  trying to meet deadlines. Those days have produced research reports or drafts for academic requirements.  Not exactly brilliant, earth-shaking outputs but one or two of them will lead me a step closer to a still unfulfilled dream.        But those days of isolation have produced something more valuable. I have had the luxury of looking deep into myself. Unencumbered by distractions of noise and senseless chatter, I have started conversations with myself, coming up with different results. On more than

 10/23/2009 12:13 am                                                                 (Image from the FB album of Toinette Bernales) This is where, as a child, I discovered how it was to be in communion with the Spirit. Entering this place opened a way for me to be close to a Supreme being. I was in awe of Someone so much bigger than me yet the intimacy of the small place seemed to be an embrace from Him who loved me. Even then, I guess, solitude was something I sought. I found solace in the soft light and the simple beauty of the chapel.I remember now that I would take a few minutes each day to pray like a young girl would. I was so sure that He was always there to listen to me. The chapel is also where I heard the beautiful singing of the sisters in the late afternoon (Vespers, I think). I would be entranced by the angelic voices wafting from the windows. Those moments would transport me into a state that had me imagining I could be like them. And then I grew up! And would ult

04/27/2009 02:38 am The molars are most often subjected to the hardest toil and that is probably the reason why these are the teeth that usually need repair and attention. When they become diseased, dental procedures like root canals manage to save them from the good, old-fashioned extraction. But there are circumstances, like what happened to my tooth, that makes one decide that the more practical option is to let the tooth go. Last April 17, I went through a most difficult dental procedure which lasted more than 3 hours. Surviving that trauma to my mouth, I had to deal later with the bleeding, inflammation, and eventually the pain when the pain blocker wore off. The ice packs, mefenamic acid, and saline solution would help for a few days but 10 days later, the pain is still there. Two days ago, while mulling over the dull ache in my mouth and the inconvenience it was causing me, a most unflattering comparison came to mind. I likened my extracted molar to a friend

04/16/2009 03:10 am When one reaches the 50s, it seems like you are entering the period when one sheds baggage that is making the trip to HOME so much slower. Your experiences during this time help you trim the excesses that will just be in the way of your focusing on what is truly important in your life. That would be both happy and sad places to be in. But today, I dwell on the sad. Sometimes, you want to hold on to many things but there is no law which says you are the only one who can decide on this option. What if the other party wants to let go? What if in the eyes of some people, you are a but a speck of nothingness that they don't see. What if people just tolerate your existence because not doing so would be so cruel? You attempt to be one of the guys, so to speak, but in your heart you know it cannot be. It might be because you are of a different generation or simply a creature from another mold altogether. And that's when you know it's time to

03/26/2009 10:55 am Ihabi sa iyong mga pakpak Awiting likha sa pangungulila At ihatid nang buong ingat Sa kanya na di maibig nang malaya

 03/24/2009 12:56 pm Kung ibilad mo sa araw Ang mga kasalanan mo, mahuhugasan ba ito? Puputla? Susutla? Upang di na muling manahan sa kamalayan ko? At maibigay ko na kaya sa iyo, Lubos na kapatawaran ko?

03/24/2009 12:12 pm Mga patak ng luha Mula sa mga sugat ng puso mo Noo'y di ko nakayanang pahiran Sa kadalasa'y di ko na tinangkang maunawaan Ngunit ngayon, ipinagkakaloob isang duguang hiyas Sagisag ng iyong matagumpay na pag-ahon sa mga kasawian! Isang pagpupugay sa iyong pagkalinga at walang sawang pagbibigay. Sayang! Tila huli na itong munting pag-aalay Hindi na maiabot sa iyong naglalahong pag-iisip at lakas. Sana, sa likod ng iyong mukha ng kawalan, nandiyan pa rin ang pusong alam Aming walang patid na paghanga at pagmamahal.

 02/13/2009 03:05 am Dear ... Yes, God works in mysterious ways! I never cease to be amazed about how he works things out in His time. And how in the midst of all the tears, we manage to smile (Laugh, even!) I think that yours is a beautiful realization - that notwithstanding the imperfection of everyone, we manage to be happy. I think it is maybe because love is in the core of it all. The seeds were planted by our parents in the only way they know and it is now up to us how we choose to grow. We can also choose to wilt and die. In the end, it is really our choice. Jandrea

 01/30/2009 02:55 pm Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate." "The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she." Ayan, ayan... kitang-kita ang dahilan kung bakit kailangang kong bumalik sa pageexercise! (Pansinin nyo na di ko sinabing kailangan na akong mag-diet!) Bakit nga ba kung kailan ko natuklasan ang kasarapan ng iba't-ibang klase ng pagkain ay tsaka naman bumagal na ang aking metabolism. Para bang ilang minuto lang pagkatapos kong kumain ng 2 French macaroons ay nasa baywang ko na ang ebidensiya! Kaya ang wardrobe, kailangan nang palitan dahil sa nagsisikipang pantalon at iba pa! Pero iniisip ko mga. Dapat ba akong mabahala, for aesthetic reasons, sa aking paglapad at pagbigat? Bakit pa e sa aking edad, dapat what you see is what you get! Anyway, I have

06/26/2008 02:27 pm Another story about crosses In a certain village in Umbria (Italy), there lived a man who was always bewailing his lot. He was a Christian, and found the weight of his cross too heavy to bear. One night, before going to sleep, he begged God to let him change his burden. That night he had a dream; the Lord led him to a warehouse. "Go ahead and change it," he said. The man saw crosses of all sizes and shapes, with the names of their owners. He picked an average size cross – but when he saw the name of an old friend written on it, he left it aside. Finally, as God had permitted, he chose the smallest cross he could find. To his surprise, he saw his own name written on it. Paano ka ba naman magrereklamo sa buhay mo pagkabasa mo ng kuwentong ganyan? Dapat tumahimik ka na lang kahit na pumuputok na ang dibdib mo sa hirap! Hehehe! Pero timing talaga ang pagkakabasa ko nito. Panahon yon ng sapin-sapin, sabay-sabay, patung-patong na gastusin

04/05/2008 04:33 am Saw these words emblazoned on a t-shirt in the maternity section of SM - "I'm Hormonally-challenged!" Amused that a pregnant woman could be described that way, I thought to myself "Teka, that shirt could also be talking about menopausal me!" When I was approaching my 50s, I begun to experience some of the symptoms described in this book, "A Guide to the Early Stages of Menopause and Beyond" . They include the following: * Skipped periods or shorter menstrual cycles * Hot flashes & night sweats * Irritability * Anxiety * Loss of concentration * Headaches (especially premenstrual migraines) * Vaginal dryness * Less interest in sex * Urinary stress incontinemce * Mood swings The book says (and I know for a fact) that many of the symptoms are interconnected. What usually begins as a physical problem can escalate into a psychological problem. I look at my face and body in the mirror and Mortality star

 01/24/2008 02:50 pm     Palagi na lang nawawala ang kabaak ng tsinelas ko!!! It is a typical occurrence when I need to use my slippers when I get out of bed. This picture was not planned. This was what I found when I was searching for something to shod my feet the other day. The half of each one of them were missing or at least not where I had left them when I took them off before getting into bed. Sometimes, I think that there's an elf stationed under my bed whose sole duty is to get the other half of a pair of slippers as far away as possible from its partner. Why do you think I have four pairs? It is not because I love collecting them. They're there because sometimes the missing halves don't reappear until after a few days of futile searching and so I always have a pair in reserve. But on this particular day, yes, all of them were astray! Haaaay! Maybe I should put the slippers in a basket under my bed so they'll stay where I took them

01/03/2008 02:01 pm   A friend gave me a bar of soap which she said might help lighten the big, dark scar on my left leg. But it took me some time before I actually used it. It was more out of not wanting to disappoint her that I tried it rather than a desire to recoup on the promise of fairer skin. While unblemished skin is regarded by most people as an asset, my not having such is not too bad. I have learned to look at my unsightly scar as a reminder of the kind of person I am. Like a battle scar, it speaks of what I am capable of doing in the presence of danger. My unconcern for disguising it also shows my distaste for pretensions and excessive vanity. But when thoughts turn to emotional scars, sometimes I wish someone would concoct a double-acting soap with properties to lighten, if not get rid of, the hurts. I wish that with daily use, the "kirot" would subside and in its place a resolve to forget the reasons behind the pain. The scrubbing and the r

12/16/2007 01:11 pm When Mama was 51, I was 17. I was midway through my freshman year in college. Where was she, what was she doing at the stage of her life? Did she have the same concerns about her children which I am going through at present? Did she have doubts about decisions she had made. Was she as uncertain of the future then as I am now? I remember being at the crossroads. Feisty and independent yet full of insecurities. Discovering exciting things yet also looking back to the comforts of familiarity. Did I cause her much anxiety? Was she proud of what I was trying to do at that age? I also remember that those were the most trying of times. Were her fears more for Papa than for us at that time? (Martial law=incarceration!!!) How did she cope with this crisis? How did we survive? It would have been nice to ask her these questions. It would have been enlightening to hear her answers. But her illness prevents her from telling me about the mother she heroically tried to

 11/18/2007 04:40 pm   I bought this cookbook last week just because it had a recipe for meringues in it. Looking at the picture, I could almost taste the sweet, satiny texture of this simple, straightforward concoction of egg whites and sugar. Instantly, my endorphins kicked in! I've had a long standing affair with meringue. I think it must have started when I was in elementary when Roxanne Arcilla sold little, pink and white ones to us, her grade 6 classmates. From then on, I've tried any version I could lay my hands on. There was the cheap, firm kind you could buy in the sari-sari stores. Then there's small, white airy ones made in Lucban, Quezon in those cans with blue and white labels. But my all-time favorite are those from Panaderia de Molo - the light beige, slightly burnt, gooey ones with casuy. Last night, I had a taste of Parisian macaroons in Bizu. I'm guessing that somewhere in the heart of that dessert is meringue, what else. From a

 11/02/2007 02:59 pm   Our words immortalized in Ling's work in granite. We remember our dead today. We look back at the last days but we try to forget all that which caused us doubt, confusion, and pain. We recall how we smiled at the foibles of old age. The scent of tears, we smell when we glimpse once again the last attempts at living. We forget. We weep. We forgive. And we love forever.

1/01/2007 05:34 am Reading other people's personal blogs is one thing I immensely enjoy doing. It allows me to take a peek at their inner world. It also fires my amazement at how people can craft words together in so many ways to bring forth those emotions and thoughts. And so I sought blogs written by both friends (to better understand them) and those of strangers, to better appreciate the world through their eyes. In no way did I think that this singular joy of reading blogs would lead me to a most surprising turn. Accidentally, I found a "foe's" blog. There, she poured all out her anger at me. This, I did not resent as these were normal reactions of the rejected. But what pulled the rug from under my feet were the lies she wrote down to justify her feelings about me. Outright lies and fabrications!!! Like my "raising my hand at her" (Whew! Everyone who knows me will, without hesitation, say I am not capable of such an act. Or could I

10/22/2007 12:56 pm   Seems irreverent to think of Freddie as a moth... small, brown, seemingly inconsequential. Why not a large, grand Monarch butterfly instead? But they said that would have made it hard for him to get inside Kalye Juan and join in our celebration. Oo nga naman! And come to think of it, that was how Freddie was. A puny-looking, quiet man hiding the national artist who used his words to portray his anything-but-grand view of the world! I think he enjoyed our company that night. I think he was mighty proud of all that we had become. Love you, Freddie!

 10/21/2007 03:50 pm  

10/19/2007 01:30 pm   Ang mga puno sa isla ng Mactan, Katatagan ng mga Pinagbuklod-buklod!

10/10/2007 11:18 am   I read an entry in one blog which said that the Ego holds one back from expressing his creativity. That is probably true for me. I want to create art but I am always so afraid it will not pass the aesthetic standards of people . Well, most especially because I happen to have a sibling who is an artist! Like most things that I do and say, I am afraid I will be judged negatively. So, I always keep to the safe side of the road. Seldom venturing into the exciting but dangerous beyond-the-limit land. The ego, personified! But I have come to a point in my life that reacquainting myself with my Id seems like a good idea. No longer afraid of being ridiculed or criticized. No longer hostage to my high A score (After all, I also have a high O score!) No longer caring if my work pales in comparison to L's. And so the attempt to capture the flowers in Sonya's garden. And so the (so unlike me) vibrant colors. And so I unveil my art! "The

10/03/2007 03:53 pm (Para kay AC, BG, at NdC) And so the list lengthens Without me knowing why It stabs at the heart It allows but a tear to escape Because more than that Would salt the wound that is already there. Do I deserve no good-byes? No baring of scars I may have caused No chance to plead my case Or even just to hear...thank you for your friendship But no, thanks! I look beyond And see no more liaisons of this kind Not to delight my spirit And then burn holes in my mind Not to hold up a mirror to two kindred souls And then be left behind with shards of what was But again can never be.           Today, maybe against my better judgment, I took a chance at friendship again.

09/29/2007 04:09 pm              View from "Oh My Gulay" The cold mist enveloping the distance. Miles, heights and depths away. I can see them but cannot reach them without falling. Do I fly to them? Do I close my eyes until the mist lifts , then plot my way up to the heavens? But I do not relish an arduous climb! So do I just stay by the window entranced by the unreachable , unquenchable beauty of my dreams?

09/26/2007 04:16 pm   The light is what keeps me going In the darkness of this soul, there is that elusive glimmer. Someday, no longer just the view but...There.

07/17/2007 04:34 pm You are of my generation and a certified Quezon City resident if you remember: 1. The Ysmael Steel robot on Espana Extension (now E. Rodriguez Ave.) which seemed to be 100 ft. tall. A joke went this way when I was in high school - "Gusto mo ng summer job? Malaki ang suweldo pero madali ang trabaho. Araw-araw, ipapasyal mo lang yong robot ng Ysmael Steel!" (Oh well, it was funny then!) 2. The Malt Shoppe on Timog Avenue. That was soft-serve vanilla ice cream in a blue paper bowl. You had a choice of different syrups and toppings. My favorite was caramel syrup with nuts! 3. The creek you could cross from the street behind our house to get to Sampaloc Ave. (now Tomas Morato Ave.) Once my yaya picked me up from school and we used this way as a shortcut to go home. I slipped and fell, getting all slimy and wet. Bistado ang yaya! Nagtitipid pala. We walked home when we should taken a ride home. 4. The original tiangge on Morato Avenue. I

07/15/2007 02:18 pm   He was a quiet yet formidable presence. The lopsided smile. The secret behind the smile. The secret measuredly unveiled. The unhurried gait. The calm, never the storm. The wisdom and intellect in the words. I will always hold these in fond memory. Good-bye, Sir! See http://fgdavid.com