Jandrea...so far

 They say that what you say or do reflects your inner world! Two days ago, I spent many minutes staring into a blank piece of paper trying to conjure an image from the depths of me that I could translate into art! It was after midnight, dark and quiet, and I was hoping to create something sinister because of the atmosphere! Instead, the first strokes of the paintbrush yielded regular, everyday flowers! How boring, I thought! With strong intent to veer away from ordinariness, the next floral images emerged from my imagination! In the blank space left after sleep crept into me, I would paint a tree the next morning. The task was completed yielding something both unexpected and expected! I started with the objective of culling something from the darkness of me and yet what came out was a work that was light and color-filled!  My realization: “Kahit pala may ikinukubli sa  dilim, mahirap palang pigilan ang pagdungaw ng liwanag!”

 

 

 I realized not too long ago that when you’re a retired senior and no longer answerable to people or an organization, you are free to open a gate which allows you to release your pent-up frustrations and you no longer mince words to express them! Colorful language, while shocking to others, especially if they’re coming from normally prim and proper you, is only an exercise in coming up with puns and hilarious and witty comebacks for those who make you suffer!  On the other hand, your creativity and imagination is also allowed to run free because you are no longer afraid of criticism and consequences! Even if people will probably not heap praises on a creative work, you do it anyway because it makes you happy! That’s all that should matter! Clumsy works can always be excused on account of your advanced age and inexperience with something new, you reason! So like the child that you were 6 decades ago, you go ahead and paint a mythical land where blue trees grow flowers of very hue and dr

  If a disgrace from the past is buried with fragrant flowers, will it be forgiven?  Will their overpowering scent erase the stench of a hundred transgressions?  Never to eat away at the fibers of your conscience.  Never anymore to remind you that you once gravely sinned.  And never to rouse the ghost of memories that haunts even your waking hours!  Oh, I beg on my knees that a thousand blooms would rain on me now!

  I had two great loves.  One, my safe place  The other, my biggest adventure!  I had to choose one over the other And I am the better person But sometimes, sadder, for it!   

  It was where I sought refuge from the boundaries of my boxed-in world!  It was where I could examine my failures and disappointments before I released them into nothingness!  It was where my tears could flow in copious amounts but leave me smiling in the aftermath.  It was where I allowed my spirit to soar, even to sin, without fear of reprisal. It was where God always forgave me even if I thought I shouldn’t forgive myself!  It was where my soul was nourished, year after year, so I could be who I am!

  I recently found a line drawing that I probably did in 2004. At that  time, in the midst of many trying hours of work, I had to find an outlet for the stress and angst I was going through!   For years, the drawing lay dormant inside a sketchbook. After all, new chapters had opened and closed in my life! Much like yesteryear’s feelings that evoked the original image.  Today, I worked on it using watercolor paint & watercolor pencils - trying to put in all that I have learned using a new art medium. It no longer hurt putting the small and seemingly imperceptible images that belonged to this picture! Time does add a different perspective to how we do and see things! 

In the distance, a lone cello is playing   The forgotten song of my heart  Warm, earthy, like vapors after a summer rain Rising from the stoney paths Where years ago, our hands met. Muffled echoes of plaintive sighs Escaping from the empty, cavernous space  Where my heart, loving you then, once throbbed  Each low, pianissimo tone caressing    the scars Of my wounds long healed. Staccato notes, teasing the corners of my mouth Waking up the smiles that once Contained our secrets Staining my mouth once more With lies disguised as fervent kisses Abruptly, the mournful melody dies. Just a few measures short Of its awaited, dulcet ending Only your mute music lingers   And stays to embrace my heart.