Jandrea...so far

Walking back to where I would spend the night, after dinner in a nearby restaurant, the mist-filled night suddenly seemed to bring on all the memories I have of Tagaytay. I was suddenly overcome with emotion, holding back the tears. This place is a repository of good, happy moments. Where great loves were born. Where children played in abandon. Food relished in the company of people who made me happy.  Of growing up. Of getting smart. Of knowing I can do something great. Of getting old and wise. It also whispers of days and nights of regret, of hopes for what can never be.  Where many good-byes have been said. One, on her way to heaven. Many, with resignation to what cannot be changed.  Always with much, much sadness. This is where solitude is most welcome, where looking inside onself is inevitable. Where my feet were washed by another. Where hurts were and are mended. Where I forgive myself for not being what I hope to be.   Tears have been profuse here.  But

MAY PANAHON FULL MIX 2

Mar 5, '11 12:32 AM      Last February 28, I had lakatan banana in fresh fruit salad for breakfast. For morning snacks, I had one boiled saging na saba . Before lunch, I had a little latundan banana in our room ( I don't know why. Maybe I just felt guilty about the growing stash of uneaten bananas in our room!)  For merienda, I had 2 pieces of bananacue and followed later by one leftover boiled saba . That would be roughly 6 pieces for someone who isn't even crazy about bananasI Dessert for dinner was... you guessed it, bananas! Suko na ako!!!       But whatever the nuns serve, no matter what or how much, you seem compelled to eat them. Like I was transported back to the days I was a half-intern in St.Joseph's College in my elementary years. Then, you risked getting an invitation to visit Purgatory if you as much left a crumb on your plate!       So after a a few days of (forced) banana bingeing, I realized that there were so many variety of banana that

Aug 31, '10 10:01 AM              I was seated on one of the wooden benches in DAP taking in this beautiful sight on a just-right cool day in Tagaytay when I noticed that the light on the lawn would change from minute to minute. First, the sun was bright and intense on the ground, then suddenly the light softened, and then the colors of the trees and grass would glow again. It was like someone up there was playfully folding and unfolding a giant umbrella over the area where I was. Looking up, I noticed a flurry of clouds move from the end of the sky farthest from me towards the direction over my head. Sometimes, the clouds took a lazy pace, taking their own sweet time to traverse the distance. But when I chose to pay close attention, up there was a spread of feathery clouds that seemed to be racing to get to a finish line.                And that was when I realized how flimsy-looking clouds can reduce the intensity of the light and heat of the sun. Even for a fleeting m

    Maybe because I am able to share my innermost thoughts on things which fill my mind and keep me awake. Maybe because I need a catchbasin for my feelings that occasionally overflow.  Maybe because I have so many stories to tell, every one of them I want to remember. Maybe because I like painting pictures with words. Maybe because I am desperate for any kind of attention, even from strangers that wander their way into my blog. And most of all, maybe because I want to leave a little bit of myself when I am all gone.

               Some years ago, my siblings and I created what we would imagine could be the titles to our mother's life story if it were to be filmed. 1.  LIFE SUCKS! 2.  Luluha Ako ng Dugo 3.  Balang Araw, Mararamdaman Nyo Rin 4.  The Many A ngst of D 5.  Survivor of Own Torments 6.  I Live to Grieve 7.  Why Me, Lord? 8.  I'm Happy Being Unhappy      The titles were borne out  of our frustration with having to deal with a mother who was to my mind pathologically unhappy.  It all sounds really irreverent but humor was one way my siblings and I faced what was a pretty regular situation in our family.   It was the weapon we used to prevent our spirits from being weighed down too much. It took quite an effort (at least, for me) to soar away from the doldrums because unhappiness can be quite contagious. To this day, I wonder why none of us siblings ended up seeing the world in this dim light, or in psychological terms, how we managed

"May we never let the things we  DON'T  have or  CAN'T  have or  SHOULDN'T  have, spoil our enjoyment of all that we  HAVE . "         This is something I would love some people in ( or out of ) my life to learn.    I don't know if it is my fate to have had more than my share of unhappy people play significant roles in my life. Almost daily, in the past, I would be caught in the trap of having to listen to how life has treated them unfairly. My role in these talks,  it seemed, was to point out to them how they would feel better if they saw the bigger picture of their lives... how they only seemed to focus on the dark and bleak parts and glossed over the brighter splashes of color during their day. If I succeeded at all in letting them see what was promising about their lives, I seldom got any clue.           Close to emotional exhaustion one time from having to  "help fix"  someone's problem for the nth time, I c

Psych best buddies             At 55, I am like a mother to this group of 20+ and 30+ year-olds. I do play that role to them sometimes but most often, I like believing that I'm just one of the gang. I hang out in the lounge in between and after classes and take long lunch breaks with them. Our tummy-aching laughter is our balm to our not-at-all humdrum life as teachers.  Trying to mold the lives (not only minds) of our students the best way we can gets tough sometimes. Avoiding being hit in the cross-fire or being the target itself in some skirmishes is a challenge we have to face, and it really, really helps that we can seek cover in each other's company. Getting our act together as decent human beings is a tad easier knowing that  with our slips and mistakes,  we will expect any of us to say "Tsk, Tsk, Tsk!"  but that same someone will lift us up, anyway.  Our seemingly mundane victories (ranging from completing a syllabus to getting the perfect haircut) are e

First, it started with a longing to have a place of refuge, away from noise and mess of my city life. Maybe a room in someone's house in Tagaytay I could rent or borrow whenever I needed to be by myself. Just a small one with just enough space for a bed and a table to hold my books and laptop. But that room had to have a breathtaking view! One that would inspire me to think, dream, and write. That's when I thought that space had to be high up on a tree. And then of course, there were the basic necessities for which I would need a kitchen and a bathroom. So the small room had to have siblings of similar size. Yes, that would still fit into my tree house, I thought! Then, it ocurred to me that my 50+ knees and legs would have to negotiate a ladder to get up to the rooms on a tree. Imagining my struggle to get to the top, I started giving up on my treehouse. Until.... ta... rah... I saw this photograph! Yes, yes, yes!  It fitted all the specs of this ever-hopeful, ever-drea

   Day after day, I get more reminders that I am fast approaching my Senior years. On the beach last month, I espied a really cute little boy named Zuriel, and said hello. His aunt struck a conversation with me that centered on how I must have looked in my younger days. Oh no! This was the second time in just a few weeks that there has been reference to my advancing years. There was no denying now that I am really Lola material (check out my earlier blog on this).                                                                                                                                                                             And so, it was then that I  decided that I had just a few more years to get on with what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Time to prepare my bucket list and plot strategies on how to achieve each and every item on the list.  And number one on that list was ... forget my age. Hehehe!

     I was spending a few days by myself in an obscure hotel in Tagaytay while waiting for my sister to pick me up for a chore that needed to be done. That not coming to light, I decided to check off the list of things that I could still do in that period of isolation. I managed to complete a scholarly task I was putting off from accomplishing for an unforgivingly, long time.  So as a reward, I decided to enjoy the cool, afternoon air while waiting for my take-out dinner.         While seated on the chair just outside my room, a cherubic little boy, MM, and his yaya (nanny) came up to me to say hello.  It would have been a wholly delightful interruption to my reverie except for an unexpected jolt when the yaya said, "Say hello to Lola!"       A thousand thought bubbles burst from my confused brain, "Was she referring to me? Is this woman calling me a grandmother? Do I look like one at all? In a panic, I fought off all the "yesses" that were pummeling m

One hand, a handbag with 2 mobile phones. The other hand, folders with papers to check. One shoulder. tote bag with laptop inside and more personal papers to attend to. Right hand, insulated coffee mug. Left brain, reports that need to be written. Right brain, emotions that just have to be put on hold. Most days, this is how you will see me as I get into my ride and later, walk the short distance to my office after I disembark. That picture of me is a clue on what I hope to do when I get to my place of work but most of the time, they remain as unfulfilled figments of my imagination. I seem to always forget that there are tons of other tasks that await my attention as soon as I get to sit at my desk.    I like to think of myself as a successful multi-tasker, being able to muster the energy and resolve to accomplish all that is expected of me as a mother, wife, sibling, friend, teacher, administrator, colleague, church volunteer, etc. But lately, I know that many spheres of my life

Melde, Menchie, & Me It was a privilege being one of the adult pilgrims to the last World Youth Day celebration held in Madrid, Spain. While the event is primarily for the youth, adults or in the case of the Diocese of Cubao, mommies are most welcome to join the delegation. I was the oldest member of the delegation, with the two other mothers younger than me by a few years. My age, I tried my damn best not to show. This was not out of vanity but a determination to show that I belonged here with the youth, and that I would not be a burden to them. After Cuatro Vientos       I succeeded in having some people believe that I was just in my forties. The secret on how to do this is wear exactly what the kiddos in your group are wearing and wear dark sunglasses to hide the wrinkles around your eyes. Plus, not to admit that you are in the company of your 27-year old son and 23-year old daughter. Hehehe! But, of course, I couldn't fool my body into thinking I was less than my re

Chanced upon this blog which talked about American teens complaining about not getting cars or iPhones for Christmas! Goodness gracious, I thought!  My daughter, was aghast at how materialistic these kids were and how ungrateful they were for the gifts they had received. Has American consumerism reached its all time high? Has accessibility to all the worldly goods warped the values of their youth? Has love become equated with a parent's ability to give the latest in expensive technology to their children? Through the years, I think the best gifts I have received are those which did not come in bright, shiny packages. By most standards, they would never be considered valuable at all. One gift was from this small, tough-looking lady who used to sit in a certain pew in church. In her mind, this pew was reserved for her and woe to those who would make the mistake of occupying her seat before she came. She was a source of amusement to those of us who were church regulars. We heard

with "A Light of the Million Mornings" by the Philippine Madrigal Singers  http://youtu.be/mF_RvzH_IlM Truly God's love is dazzling! He fills my heart with overflowing hope that because of His resurrection, I too can look forward to my own! Happy Easter to everyone!

This is the song of my soul. That in the face of my sinfulness, the Lord will forget my transgressions using my tears of regret to wash them away. That He will always keep me near to His heart, especially at the hour of my death. http://youtu.be/P4V0achd7hY

Our home-cooked Valentine dinner menu: *Garlic bread *Kalabasa soup *Popeye & Olive Oyl Salad (Spinach w/ green apples & feta cheese with olive oil & balsamic vinegar dressing; I know, ang corny ng pangalan! Haha! *Pasta Carlyn (Shrimps with sun-dried tomatoes, & parsley in lemon-butter sauce; named after Kara kasi favorite nya ang hipon) *Pasta Paolo  (Tuna with red pepper, mushrooms, & parsley in white sauce; created for Powie kasi allergic sya sa hipon) *Dulce de leche ice cream with coffee jelly *Sparkling red grape juice   It has been a tradition in our family that we celebrate dinner on Valentine's day as a family. As a young couple, we braved the Valentine crowd and traffic the first years of our relationship. In some years, we would celebrate with our friends in fancy restaurants. But as the romantic flavor of the day begun to wear off for us, we thought of expanding our idea of what should be celebrated on this day. It should be about love &a

    Two days in January were spent in Tagaytay in the company of the members of the Parish Pastoral Council of the Holy Family Parish. We were busy at work evaluating the previous year's action plans and then planning our programs for this year. It was fun seeing the church elders and the younger-than-the- elders  (which included me, I hope) flash those smiles and let lose those antics after feverishly working on our outputs. Just proves that the child in everyone is awakened with only a little nudging from a camera. Say cheese!!!

   These are what we had for family dinner two nights ago: Main dishes:           Chili con carne                                     Brown rice Drink:                       Green tea with mint Dessert:                   Tikoy                                    Christmas stollen      Midway through the meal, I laughingly observed that it was made up of an assortment of dishes that were foreign in origin.  It was a combination of Mexican, Japanese, Chinese, German, and of course, Filipino food. If I hadn't taken note of it, the meal's odd character would have passed unnoticed. It is not our practice to have themed meals in our household. We just serve what we enjoy eating and on this particular day, they just happened to be what it was. Singaporean dish we had in a restaurant in our neighborhood      Perhaps the international flavor comes from our family's openness to try all sorts of dishes. Even in their childhood, my kids were not afraid to try new and "s