Jandrea...so far

 On random nights When sleep eludes me I reread poems That I wrote for you Like tentatively pushing away Flimsy cobwebs in dark corners Revealing venomous memories long dead Like slowly picking on scabs Covering my healing heart Just until they bleed once more.

https://youtu.be/0jMHvfE15fc Our quartet cover of “Magnificat” was one of several songs we learned as a family during the early months of quarantine due to Covid-19. We went into lockdown in March 2020 and sang our first song in June as a gift for someone’s birthday! The next few months were spent learning new songs individually and then coming together to rehearse and finally record the final version.  The final recorded songs didn’t come out perfect, with voices either falling flat (or sharp) in certain sections but they were enough testament to our successfully working together to produce our own brand of music! Even if I probabaly drove my family crazy by the numerous takes I demanded, I think all our efforts helped us fortify our nerves and kept our spirits high during such trying times!  Here’s our prayer for those who will come this way …. https://youtu.be/0fOrtQSQLwE

Eto na naman ako  Unti-unting gumigising ang ulirat Bago pa man imulat ang mga mata Nag-uunahang mga tanong ang bumabangon na Anong aking haharapin ngayon?  Paggunita ng mga planong nakabilanggo? Pagluluksa sa mga pangarap na sa bawat sandali ay naglalaho? O pag-alala sa mga minamahal na napakalayo? Mula sa aking munting piitan Nadampian ako ng hangin at nasilaw sa liwanag Natanaw ko ang mga kulay ng buhay Narinig ko ang hiyawan at tawanan ng mga nagdaraan  Naamoy ko ang kape mula sa kusina At halimuyak ng bulaklak sa may bintana!  Sisilip muli ang nahimlay na araw Pagkaraan ng mapang-aping dilim Buhay pa rin ako  Lumuluha, nagdurugo, nagdadalamhati! Humahalakhak, umiibig, umaawit! Ngunit higit sa lahat, nagtatanong, kumikilos,  at lumalaban!  Lahat ito, dala ng pag-asang dulot ng Poong Maykapal!  18 Agosto 2021

It’s one those nights … https://youtube.com/playlist?list=RDK64cCwbEe2c&playnext=1  

Did you ever know? Because I could only tell you in whispers And only when I could no longer hold back the words  Because I could never show you The way I would have wanted to If we were not encumbered By our entanglements And fear of punishment from above Did you ever feel, even without your arms around me The painful throbbing inside of me that  I would not admit to Like the pulses of a hundred stars in the dark night  That I refused to see Did you ever see through my calm facade The fear of being abandoned, the misery of being apart? Did you ever look into my eyes  And read the reason behind my recklessness and  My disregard of guilt that would always plague my heart? Did you not know for certain How much I wanted to stay by your side? That running away with you  Was such a frightful option?  Did you ever want to loudly declare That, without hesitation and doubt, You wanted me, longed for me Loved me unreasonably, just as much as I did you? And...

I didn’t ask to love him I didn’t want to be the one Who waits and cries in the darkness I can’t be the one who makes excuses For tired mornings after restless sleep I didn’t ask not to be loved in return I should have listened to the voice in my head Saying his heart was someone else’s I would have spared myself  This sin of wanting to die So that I can set him free.    

I stare at nothingness I grasp at straws I kneel battered by the onslaught of thoughts  I close my eyes to recall bright beginnings             but only see helpless endings I live in a quagmire; gasping, beyond rescuing I am lost not knowing what led me there I    reach out for a hand that is mine no longer. You left with nary a word You are out of reach, like so many times before You are cruel with your silence You can inflict a wound like no other You, to whom I never should have given my heart

Agaw-dilim, Agaw-dilim Bakit pangamba ang dulot mo, agaw-dilim? Katahimikang bumabalot sa naghihingalong araw Bumubuhay sa mga alaalang nahihimlay. Agaw-dilim, malupit na agaw-dilim Sa iyong pagyapos, tila lakas ko’y nauupos Ulirat ko’y pilit ibinibigkis Sa mga pinipilit limuting hapis. Agaw-dilim, agaw-dilim Pakiusap ko sa iyo, agaw-dilim Aking tanong, ihatid sa puso ng tinatanaw ko Paminsan-minsan ba’y naaalala mo rin ako?                                                           “

All I wanted Was the fire in you To melt the chill that enveloped my being Your breath lighting sparks in me The embers keeping me warm On days apart from you But staying too long by your side Singed the fringes of my heart I had to go away Lest longing for more than arms around me Would have courted burning our souls.

  It was all wrong Even from the start You were so different From my dream of who  Would steal my heart A strong, deep voice Who would sing for me Reassuring arms that would Ward off threats to my fragility  A quiet, comforting presence Constantly by my side Yet smart-ass, wise-cracking,  Crazy sexy, at  my secret bidding But I got it all wrong, all these you were not! I misread your aura, I misheard your songs Maybe because you came into my life When tears were blurring my vision  And my ears could not catch the  decibels of lies I was never right for you as well With someone else’s knots I could not untangle During your sparse hours of need, I could only linger Struggling to bear the weight of our vowed forevers Digging deep into the fading years  Uncovering wounds that refuse healing Tightly-wound memories unravel Questions haunt me yet again How could truly loving each other then Ever be judged by the world as wrong? 

Poetry for that movie in my mind... It was not as if I didn’t love you, Or could love you How could I not? When you were someone I always was in awe of from afar Not because of how you looked Not because of what you stood for Not because of those who were in hope Of being with you But because I could hear your heart beat In your spontaneous acts of kindness In your unbridled passion for perfection In your child-like delight at small discoveries. And because I could see your soul In the way your eyes lit up when you sensed genius  Or at times they threw sparks at authors of injustice.  Or when they were rimmed with tears In the face of your own failures or someone else’s tragedy or deprivation. How could I not love you When you struggled to pull me out of a quagmire When it was you who brought me back to a place Where I could believe in Life again. How could I not love you back When you held on, waiting tirelessly When I could only give you my hand No certainty of loving you ba...

  You left me again Without saying why Was that your revenge For making you remember How you wounded me With your lies

Poetry from my heart. For a stranger out there. For someone in the realm of my imagination.    https://drive.google.com/file/d/16XyWNhsnDhUmyulJWI34RXr_Eid88Pq5/view?usp=drivesdk I don’t want Bold displays of affection I am content with looks across the room That speak of wanting to be with me I am not impressed With loud declarations of love I am turned on more With whispers in my ear Asking if you can secretly hold my hand. I don’t much care For boisterous laughter at my jokes Quiet smiles that say You understand my poetry Warm my heart even more. I just want to be held by you Like the breaking of day Quietly, softly, truthfully No hesitation, no pretense. I just want to be loved by you Like the twilight greeting the night Constantly, faithfully, deeply Mine, always, in every way. Tagaytay, December 2020                                                 ...

If I could, I would  Collect my tears Shed over all those years Over you Infuse them with the fumes of my crushed spirit Adding the bloody nectar from my broken heart. I would put  them all in a beautiful bottle Adorned with elegantly scripted lies  Only your deceitful eyes can  decipher  That even fierce rays from the sun  Could not penetrate and betray The salty bitterness of this toxic brew. Surreptitiously delivered to you No sender, No return address  Labeled only as “Pain, yours and mine”  Penned by the hand That you first nervously held  On the way to my heart Would you open the bottle,  Curious about its cryptic contents Recklessly trying a drop  To discover what Despair tastes like?  Would you savor a drop of Betrayal       followed by another and another?  Until you know exactly who from among those Whose  hearts and spirits you crushed Would distill such a vengeful potion?  I can se...

 

 

If this be true, then the moon has seen me naked so many more times than the sun!  Is it a thought that bothers me?  That the Moon has looked inside  of me, gazed at parts  That even the Sun has not been privileged to see?   The Moon has been allowed to examine my flaws and imperfections.  It has kept me company during the darkest and ugliest moments of my life.  It has celebrated with me when I choose to reveal my own light!  And cloaked me when the Sun’s heat melted my heart!  And yet has the Moon ever understood me?  Has it ever undressed my excesses?  Has it ever looked at why my light falters and dims?  Has it ever wondered why the Sun couldn’t be enough  And why this nakedness is now bruised and will never heal ? 

                       Isang tanong na marahil ay hindi magkakaroon ng kasagutan kailan man... Mula sa dalampasigang Binabagabag ng mga alon Tinalikuran kita  Hindi tinangkang tanawin ni minsan Ang bulubunduking  Na sa iyo’y kumubli.  Pinili nating paghiwalayin tayo Ng malawak na karagatan,  Ng makapal na ulap Ng mga matatalas na tunog ng kalikasan At nagtagumpay ang katanimikan  Sa di masukat na panahon. Ngunit sa hindi inaasahang araw Napawi ang makapal na ulap  Dumungaw ang araw sa aking ulirat At narinig ko ang pagbulong mo Ng aking pangalan. Sana’y di ko hinayaang tumungo  Ang pang-uusisa sa pagkabalisa Hindi ko sana tinugunan Ang mga pakiusap mong alalahanin ang kahapon Hindi ko sana tinangkang angkinin Mga kasagutang matagal mong ipinagkait. Dahil di nagtagal, ika’y naglaho Nang walang paliwanag at Lumayo nang walang paalam Muli, tumungo ka nanaman sa di matanaw Sa dahilang di ko maunaw...

Oh wow! I wish I had met that archeologist when I was much younger because that was what I had been led to believe all these years - that it’s only worth doing something if you excel in it! I guess the pandemic taught me another lesson, anyway - that being good at things is not the point of doing them! I realize know that learning all these artistic skills have allowed me to have all these wonderful experience and have taught me how to navigate my inner world, no matter how well I did them!

Have that luscious, sparkling drink All that you can get your hands on To intoxicate you, to take you to dizzying heights To make you laugh boisteriously To make you loud and proud To make you unafraid to love without measure Because... “No one ever knows  when it’s time to go!” *  Inspired by “Sip your tea, nice and slow” by Anne Lee Tzu Peng

From “Poems for Strangers”   Candles dripping slowly Ice melting away A leaf clinging to a dying tree Standing at the edge of a precipe Sunset fading into darkness Wilting flowers, cradled in hope-weary arms Gasping, desperately recalling, humming The last strains of a beloved song Oh, Light of the night From the brink of desolation, rescue me Oh, Breath of a new day Ignite the distant embers Lest I forget... Why and how much I love you.

  Here’s one more from my series “Poems for Strangers”  Awake at 1:30 AM Memories of what may have been And thoughts of what could be Keep me tossing about Even more than the cold air from the open window What-ifs and shouldn’t-haves Whirl around as dark shadows Thoughts dripping with guilt, lurking in every corner Preventing sleep from comforting me Should I wrestle with the shadows?  Confront their inane accusations Or just embrace the sweetness of his lies And forget unanswered questions from long ago? Should I wait till tomorrow And let the sunshine defeat my thoughts Pretending that all is well and forgotten ... Even if they are not? 

A long-lost friend I had not spoken to for years suddenly showed up in a social media feed a few months ago. We have since progressed from sharing memes and music to looking into how life has been since we last talked. Here’s one of his reflections that he shared with me ...  - The reason why God allowed a friend to walk away or a door closed because they are ‘limiting’ you - God would have not allowed it if He has nothing better as a replacement  - The same thing happened with the people of Israel, after 40 years of being supplied with daily mana one day their supply ceases to come.  - It was because God planned it only to be temporary - God promised them a land flowing with milk and honey - In the same way, God’s plan for your life is bigger than your own - God is about to launch you to a new level of your profession, new level of your abilities, and new level  of your capacities... - The challenge is not to have a ‘mana mentality’. - If your mana stopped, it was n...