Jandrea...so far

  If a disgrace from the past is buried with fragrant flowers, will it be forgiven?  Will their overpowering scent erase the stench of a hundred transgressions?  Never to eat away at the fibers of your conscience.  Never anymore to remind you that you once gravely sinned.  And never to rouse the ghost of memories that haunts even your waking hours!  Oh, I beg on my knees that a thousand blooms would rain on me now!

 

If this be true, then the moon has seen me naked so many more times than the sun!  Is it a thought that bothers me?  That the Moon has looked inside  of me, gazed at parts  That even the Sun has not been privileged to see?   The Moon has been allowed to examine my flaws and imperfections.  It has kept me company during the darkest and ugliest moments of my life.  It has celebrated with me when I choose to reveal my own light!  And cloaked me when the Sun’s heat melted my heart!  And yet has the Moon ever understood me?  Has it ever undressed my excesses?  Has it ever looked at why my light falters and dims?  Has it ever wondered why the Sun couldn’t be enough  And why this nakedness is now bruised and will never heal ? 

A long-lost friend I had not spoken to for years suddenly showed up in a social media feed a few months ago. We have since progressed from sharing memes and music to looking into how life has been since we last talked. Here’s one of his reflections that he shared with me ...  - The reason why God allowed a friend to walk away or a door closed because they are ‘limiting’ you - God would have not allowed it if He has nothing better as a replacement  - The same thing happened with the people of Israel, after 40 years of being supplied with daily mana one day their supply ceases to come.  - It was because God planned it only to be temporary - God promised them a land flowing with milk and honey - In the same way, God’s plan for your life is bigger than your own - God is about to launch you to a new level of your profession, new level of your abilities, and new level  of your capacities... - The challenge is not to have a ‘mana mentality’. - If your mana stopped, it was n...

I had forgotten just how beautiful the Golden Shower tree was in front of our home when it is in full bloom! Since the quarantine period, I had just always seen it from inside the house and missed how it was in its entirety! I guess that’s how we also sometimes fail to see how we are from the point of view of other people. We either see only our good side and ignore our faults that adversely affect other people’s lives ! Or maybe just as sad, we only see our weaknesses and limitations but are blind to the good in us that other people see as light in these dark times!

I must have been 10 or 11 when I nurtured visions of myself playing on a stage of a large concert hall. But that dream was not to be. After studying piano for maybe 14 years, I realized the only audience I would end up impressing with my playing would be... no one. Not even myself! Today, those thoughts were confirmed while struggling with a piano piece that I have studying. After a few years, I still can't get it right. Drat and a double drat! Anything "artistic" that only some can aspire to do, I have at least learned how to do at some point in my life. I can play the piano, guitar, and marimba. I sang with a choir for some years, even earning a chance to be soloist at least once. I have acted in and even directed plays, performing in many corners of the country. I even used to paint a little and when inspiration moves me, still try to draw. Dance lessons were part of my summer repertoire. I've even written poems and articles which had received some recognit...

They say that in many cases of people suffering from Alhzeimer’s disease, they are able to retrieve memories from their distant past but are no longer able to form new memories. I am guessing that  those that are more readily retrieved and reported with more details are those that made us laugh and cry with all our heart (hypothesis coming from this psychologist). I wonder now which memories from my youth will I remember when I’m ancient and possibly lost in my own world. I know for certain  that my unrequited loves (I had quite a few!) will be on that playlist! Will I have any regrets in my old age about never telling them then about my feelings? Would I ask myself whether my life would have been different if I had bared my heart? Pablo Neruda’s Sonnet XVII is here saying what I couldn’t say before... https://youtu.be/CO7EPbNJACk

Holy Week 2014 meditation For almost 30 years, I have spent Holy Week serving either as a Lector or a Commentator. In the last few years in our paish, I have been assigned to be the coordinator for the Easter Vigil mass. All these tasks I have taken to heart and have accepted all the challenges accomanying these responsibilities as a Lenten sacrifice for the Lord. So after the doctor told me that I had to have a procedure done to fix my gallbladder, I even bargained for a postponement. I asked whether I could have it after Holy Week. The doctor said I was in a serious state and he could not guarantee that my Holy Week would be pain-free! And so, reluctantly I agreed to have my procedure done over the Holy days.  Holy Thursday and Good Fridays were spent recuperating at home and by Black Saturday, my foggy brain managed to remind me that the Easter Vigil was going on and it happened without me! My children who attended with their Yaya reported that in general, it went well! ...

Got a new induction cooker two weeks ago after the old one got busted due to a power surge! Hard to let the old one go because it cost a pretty penny and I had not milked its worth just yet. I also really enjoyed cooking on it with its super fast heating feature which allowed me to cook stuff in half the time it usually took in a conventional stove. But that's the way it is! While trying to cook on it for the first time, I was very careful not to cause an overload again like the last time. But the size and design of its plug made sure that this would not happen as it hogged the two outlets so that no other appliance's plug could be used there. That created a problem because I had to use a range hood when I was cooking so that my place wouldn't be filled with the smell of whatever was in the pot or pan! I also had to cook rice at the same time if I wanted our hot meal to be ready all at the same time. But it was not to be with the gigantic plug lording it over two electric...

Blame it on my many years of exposure to diplomatic practice and keeping to a tight schedule in academe, but I really get upset when people disregard appointments and agreed-upon meeting time! I have been told it is because I am not a Filipino when I try my best to come on the dot! I think we should rise above cultural expectations or we will forever show disrespect for the time of others! It should have nothing to do with what is tolerated by our society but coming on time should be looked upon as an action of being kind to others. Of showing appreciation for the effort that people put into coming on time. Of being considerate of others for not having them wait for us unreasonably. At times, I am guilty of being late and it is something I do not take lightly. It doesn'...

A day after two students of mine shamelessly conversed during class, sharing something on a mobile phone, I am still incesed with myself for not calling their attention in class.The other day, another student was readimg what looked like a pocketbook while I was talking about job satisfaction and organizational commitment before a class where most seemed to be as engaged as I was in the discussion. Again, I pretended not to have seen the errant act! After many years of teaching, I still don't know how to handle these things! Do I treat them like impolite children and scold them in front of everyone? Maybe if they were rambunctious or insolent, it would be so easy to take this step. But if they were not and they were just showing disinterest in what is transpiring in the classroom? Do I tolerate this form of disrespect, not only for me, but for their classmates who patiently sit through whatever I have to offer in class? The latter option, maybe. Not because I am intimidated ...

I have this crazy notion that the universe has determined that some days are perfect for important events. For a while now, i have noticed that on certain days, my appointment calendar is VERY full while on the spaces for other days, I have nothing written except my daily reminder to pray at a specific hour.  To illustrate, yesterday, June 28, I had two workshops going on at exactly the same time (Don't ask me how i managed to attend both!) and then another activity after dinner. Tomorrow, June 30, I have 2 deadlines for a paper and presentation (There was another one I managed to get out of). And then one meeting in the morning and another one in the afternoon. In the evening, i check in for another activity which starts morning of the next day!  Mind you, I do not set these deadlines and the dates for these activities. The universe hands them in, one by one, on my plate which is already full as it is! Maybe I should shout out  "No more!" to the Great Beyond when...

"You must not fear, hold back, count or be a miser with your thoughts and feelings.  It is also true that creation comes from an overflow, so you have to learn to intake,   to imbibe, to nourish yourself and not be afraid of fullness. The fullness is like a tidal wave which then carries you, sweeps you into experience and into writing. Permit yourself to flow and overflow, allow for the rise in temperature, all the expansions and intensifications. Something is always born of excess: great art was born of great terrors, great loneliness, great inhibitions, instabilities, and it always balances them."                                                                                                           ...

This is so typical of the what goes on in my brain during most of my waking hours. Sometimes I wonder whether it is a gift or a curse that I can juggle a gazillion of things happening all at the same time. I can imagine the  countless neurons that are firing simultaneously so that I can think about how we can recycle left-overs for dinner while I rehearse in my mind the questions I intend to ask after my lecture in my next class.  How is it possible that I can draft an official sounding letter in the same mental slate where I create a picture of myself in the outfit I will wear to a project proposal presentation?  Should I consider myself fortunate that I can predict how my family's plans will turn out depending on whether they listened to my advice or not?  Should  I just shut up when I can clearly see that the purple throw pillows definitely don't go with those curtains' sickly shade of green and getting that new brand of shampoo, while giving you soft-to-t...

When I saw this, I couldn't help but laugh with the realization on how true it is! How many of us can't last a day without checking Facebook, sending out e-mail, playing online games, chatting with far-away friends, and browsing through the gazillion of websites available through the internet. Abraham Maslow said that one is not motivated to address higher-level needs without fulfilling, at least partially, the needs found at the lower portions of his or her pyramid. And that our whole life is a slow but definite journey to reach the peak of self-actualization! And so because the internet is constantly offering new things every single moment, things that I find hard to keep up with but try to anyway, I wonder now whether this need to be take it all in will ever be met. I question whether it can really take precedence over my need to eat, to feel safe, to be loved, to be held in high esteem by others, to be creative, etc. And because I spend a tremendous amount of time usi...

        We were going to talk about "Learning and Conditioning" in my General Psych class. As an introduction to the topic, I asked them to enumerate the things they have learned since childhood. As expected, they came up with answers like "reading, riding a bike, singing, cooking, writing a good paper, doing math, etc.".         I told them, "Good! But is that all? Are you sure you are not forgetting anything else?" I was hoping to get more answers that wouldn't fit into categories like abilities and skills and facts that they have learned from their more than ten years sitting inside a classroom. Silence.         And so I asked them, "Have you not learned other things from outside the classroom?" More Silence.  I proceeded to throw them a barrage of questions. How about the lessons you learned from your family - like loving and caring for others? From your mistakes, have you learned to rise above them so you ...

Walking back to where I would spend the night, after dinner in a nearby restaurant, the mist-filled night suddenly seemed to bring on all the memories I have of Tagaytay. I was suddenly overcome with emotion, holding back the tears. This place is a repository of good, happy moments. Where great loves were born. Where children played in abandon. Food relished in the company of people who made me happy.  Of growing up. Of getting smart. Of knowing I can do something great. Of getting old and wise. It also whispers of days and nights of regret, of hopes for what can never be.  Where many good-byes have been said. One, on her way to heaven. Many, with resignation to what cannot be changed.  Always with much, much sadness. This is where solitude is most welcome, where looking inside onself is inevitable. Where my feet were washed by another. Where hurts were and are mended. Where I forgive myself for not being what I hope to be.   Tears have ...

Aug 31, '10 10:01 AM              I was seated on one of the wooden benches in DAP taking in this beautiful sight on a just-right cool day in Tagaytay when I noticed that the light on the lawn would change from minute to minute. First, the sun was bright and intense on the ground, then suddenly the light softened, and then the colors of the trees and grass would glow again. It was like someone up there was playfully folding and unfolding a giant umbrella over the area where I was. Looking up, I noticed a flurry of clouds move from the end of the sky farthest from me towards the direction over my head. Sometimes, the clouds took a lazy pace, taking their own sweet time to traverse the distance. But when I chose to pay close attention, up there was a spread of feathery clouds that seemed to be racing to get to a finish line.                And that w...

    Maybe because I am able to share my innermost thoughts on things which fill my mind and keep me awake. Maybe because I need a catchbasin for my feelings that occasionally overflow.  Maybe because I have so many stories to tell, every one of them I want to remember. Maybe because I like painting pictures with words. Maybe because I am desperate for any kind of attention, even from strangers that wander their way into my blog. And most of all, maybe because I want to leave a little bit of myself when I am all gone.

               Some years ago, my siblings and I created what we would imagine could be the titles to our mother's life story if it were to be filmed. 1.  LIFE SUCKS! 2.  Luluha Ako ng Dugo 3.  Balang Araw, Mararamdaman Nyo Rin 4.  The Many A ngst of D 5.  Survivor of Own Torments 6.  I Live to Grieve 7.  Why Me, Lord? 8.  I'm Happy Being Unhappy      The titles were borne out  of our frustration with having to deal with a mother who was to my mind pathologically unhappy.  It all sounds really irreverent but humor was one way my siblings and I faced what was a pretty regular situation in our family.   It was the weapon we used to prevent our spirits from being weighed down too much. It took quite an effort (at least, for me) to soar away from the doldrums because unhappiness can be quite contagious. To this day, I wonder why none ...