Jandrea...so far

In the distance, a lone cello is playing   The forgotten song of my heart  Warm, earthy, like vapors after a summer rain Rising from the stoney paths Where years ago, our hands met. Muffled echoes of plaintive sighs Escaping from the empty, cavernous space  Where my heart, loving you then, once throbbed  Each low, pianissimo tone caressing    the scars Of my wounds long healed. Staccato notes, teasing the corners of my mouth Waking up the smiles that once Contained our secrets Staining my mouth once more With lies disguised as fervent kisses Abruptly, the mournful melody dies. Just a few measures short Of its awaited, dulcet ending Only your mute music lingers   And stays to embrace my heart.

 On random nights When sleep eludes me I reread poems That I wrote for you Like tentatively pushing away Flimsy cobwebs in dark corners Revealing venomous memories long dead Like slowly picking on scabs Covering my healing heart Just until they bleed once more.

I stare at nothingness I grasp at straws I kneel battered by the onslaught of thoughts  I close my eyes to recall bright beginnings             but only see helpless endings I live in a quagmire; gasping, beyond rescuing I am lost not knowing what led me there I    reach out for a hand that is mine no longer. You left with nary a word You are out of reach, like so many times before You are cruel with your silence You can inflict a wound like no other You, to whom I never should have given my heart

Agaw-dilim, Agaw-dilim Bakit pangamba ang dulot mo, agaw-dilim? Katahimikang bumabalot sa naghihingalong araw Bumubuhay sa mga alaalang nahihimlay. Agaw-dilim, malupit na agaw-dilim Sa iyong pagyapos, tila lakas ko’y nauupos Ulirat ko’y pilit ibinibigkis Sa mga pinipilit limuting hapis. Agaw-dilim, agaw-dilim Pakiusap ko sa iyo, agaw-dilim Aking tanong, ihatid sa puso ng tinatanaw ko Paminsan-minsan ba’y naaalala mo rin ako?                                                           “

All I wanted Was the fire in you To melt the chill that enveloped my being Your breath lighting sparks in me The embers keeping me warm On days apart from you But staying too long by your side Singed the fringes of my heart I had to go away Lest longing for more than arms around me Would have courted burning our souls.

  It was all wrong Even from the start You were so different From my dream of who  Would steal my heart A strong, deep voice Who would sing for me Reassuring arms that would Ward off threats to my fragility  A quiet, comforting presence Constantly by my side Yet smart-ass, wise-cracking,  Crazy sexy, at  my secret bidding But I got it all wrong, all these you were not! I misread your aura, I misheard your songs Maybe because you came into my life When tears were blurring my vision  And my ears could not catch the  decibels of lies I was never right for you as well With someone else’s knots I could not untangle During your sparse hours of need, I could only linger Struggling to bear the weight of our vowed forevers Digging deep into the fading years  Uncovering wounds that refuse healing Tightly-wound memories unravel Questions haunt me yet again How could truly loving each other then Ever be judged by the world as wrong? 

  You left me again Without saying why Was that your revenge For making you remember How you wounded me With your lies

If I could, I would  Collect my tears Shed over all those years Over you Infuse them with the fumes of my crushed spirit Adding the bloody nectar from my broken heart. I would put  them all in a beautiful bottle Adorned with elegantly scripted lies  Only your deceitful eyes can  decipher  That even fierce rays from the sun  Could not penetrate and betray The salty bitterness of this toxic brew. Surreptitiously delivered to you No sender, No return address  Labeled only as “Pain, yours and mine”  Penned by the hand That you first nervously held  On the way to my heart Would you open the bottle,  Curious about its cryptic contents Recklessly trying a drop  To discover what Despair tastes like?  Would you savor a drop of Betrayal       followed by another and another?  Until you know exactly who from among those Whose  hearts and spirits you crushed Would distill such a vengeful potion?  I can se...

                       Isang tanong na marahil ay hindi magkakaroon ng kasagutan kailan man... Mula sa dalampasigang Binabagabag ng mga alon Tinalikuran kita  Hindi tinangkang tanawin ni minsan Ang bulubunduking  Na sa iyo’y kumubli.  Pinili nating paghiwalayin tayo Ng malawak na karagatan,  Ng makapal na ulap Ng mga matatalas na tunog ng kalikasan At nagtagumpay ang katanimikan  Sa di masukat na panahon. Ngunit sa hindi inaasahang araw Napawi ang makapal na ulap  Dumungaw ang araw sa aking ulirat At narinig ko ang pagbulong mo Ng aking pangalan. Sana’y di ko hinayaang tumungo  Ang pang-uusisa sa pagkabalisa Hindi ko sana tinugunan Ang mga pakiusap mong alalahanin ang kahapon Hindi ko sana tinangkang angkinin Mga kasagutang matagal mong ipinagkait. Dahil di nagtagal, ika’y naglaho Nang walang paliwanag at Lumayo nang walang paalam Muli, tumungo ka nanaman sa di matanaw Sa dahilang di ko maunaw...

  Here’s one more from my series “Poems for Strangers”  Awake at 1:30 AM Memories of what may have been And thoughts of what could be Keep me tossing about Even more than the cold air from the open window What-ifs and shouldn’t-haves Whirl around as dark shadows Thoughts dripping with guilt, lurking in every corner Preventing sleep from comforting me Should I wrestle with the shadows?  Confront their inane accusations Or just embrace the sweetness of his lies And forget unanswered questions from long ago? Should I wait till tomorrow And let the sunshine defeat my thoughts Pretending that all is well and forgotten ... Even if they are not? 

I am teaching my heart not to feel  As it is the only way I can survive.  The tears will eventually run dry,  I know.  Like so many years ago  When I stopped loving you.  But this time It will be different.  I will continue loving you,  But apart from you.  No longer thinking of you Every single day. No longer holding on To dreams of being with you But images of you will be hard to erase So they will remain Forever etched In my body, heart and soul!

Para akong nauupos na kandila Hayaan ko na lang kayang matunaw ang pangungulila Walang matira sa pag-irog, ni hibla. Upang sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata Sa madilim na katotohanan, Mapait na pagpapatunay Na sa aking buhay Siya ay lumisan na.

They say that in many cases of people suffering from Alhzeimer’s disease, they are able to retrieve memories from their distant past but are no longer able to form new memories. I am guessing that  those that are more readily retrieved and reported with more details are those that made us laugh and cry with all our heart (hypothesis coming from this psychologist). I wonder now which memories from my youth will I remember when I’m ancient and possibly lost in my own world. I know for certain  that my unrequited loves (I had quite a few!) will be on that playlist! Will I have any regrets in my old age about never telling them then about my feelings? Would I ask myself whether my life would have been different if I had bared my heart? Pablo Neruda’s Sonnet XVII is here saying what I couldn’t say before... https://youtu.be/CO7EPbNJACk