The Fear of Excess

"You must not fear, hold back, count or be a miser with your thoughts and feelings. It is also true that creation comes from an overflow, so you have to learn to intake,  to imbibe, to nourish yourself and not be afraid of fullness. The fullness is like a tidal wave which then carries you, sweeps you into experience and into writing. Permit yourself to flow and overflow, allow for the rise in temperature, all the expansions and intensifications. Something is always born of excess: great art was born of great terrors, great loneliness, great inhibitions, instabilities, and it always balances them." 

                                                                                                                                               - Anais Nin



I have always thought of myself as being creative (as distinct from being artistic). Facing limited resources in my growing-up years presented many opportunities to come up with alternatives to things I wish I  had or situations I wanted to experience. Still, I could say these attempts were more like making do with what was available to me rather than coming up with something that would make a difference not just in my little corner. For example, I was content whipping up a new dish from leftovers in our refrigerator but have never attempted coming up with a new dish which would create a stir in the culinary world. 

But I would always wonder why I wasn't as creative as I wanted to be. I would shake my head at some ideas that people would come up with and think they were crazy. Then they would turn out to be awesome as far as others were concerned. Yes, from watching artists, I learned that one needed to be a little off and go where no one has dared to go. That seemed to be the answer!

But after reading what Anais Nais said about creativity, I realized that there was another important element  to creativity. Creativity was "born of excess"... "great terrors, great loneliness, great inhibitions, instabilities..." So I realized  that  restraint or even balance is creativity's sworn enemy! 

And that's where my problem takes root! I have always been proud of my ability to maintain balance in everything I do. I am a creature of restraint, not wont to indulging in excess. You see this in the clothes I wear (no print-on-print ensembles for me), the colors I prefer (white is a favorite), and the food that is served on our table (balanced meal). There are days I can be daring and different but these times are few and far between. Balance is the key to surviving, the Libran in me would say. Moderation is a guidepost in most everything I try to do! 


Many have been witness to my being calm and collected in the face of crises.  Emotions are held in check unless the well that contains them overflows. Overly ambitious plans are put on hold until I realize their impracticality and eventually abandon them. Even unsavory thoughts are censored before I give in to the desire to make them come true! 

So now I understand why even if I have had an ample share of "great terrors, great loneliness, great inhibitions, (and) instabilities...," I do not allow them to overflow into the outside. I am not able to translate them into amazing works of art or splendid writing. Because to do so would betray that underneath this veneer of equanimity resides someone who daily struggles to keep it all together!

So, today I shall start asking how this middle-of-the-road person (bordering on boring) can create something that will open people's eyes in wonder and shake their humdrum minds. How can this oh-so-careful individual write or create something that will make people chuckle a little bit, pause, and rethink the paths they have been taking in their journeys? 

Can I do this if I overcome my fear of exposing my inner world of excess? Should I start talking about my well-kept secrets and shock those close to me with my X-rated thoughts? Nah, not just yet! For now, maybe I can start with expanding my wardrobe with more fuchsias, yellows, oranges, and reds? What do you think?