Falling out of Love?

Tree in the Academic Oval

For the last 17 years, I've been having a affair... with teaching... at UP.

Being a teacher at UP has always made me feel like I'm in a forbidden romance. Many days, I  feel giddy just being here but for an equal amount of days, I feel unworthy to be part of such an illustrious institution.  As an undergraduate student,  I was in awe of my professors. There they were, up in the star-decked sky and I could only marvel at their brilliance from my place among the riffraff of the academic world.

Although I grew up helping my teacher mother with her preparations for class,  entering the academe was never part of my plan on how to conquer the world. I admit, once in a while, I did imagine myself in front of the classroom but never actually believed I could do it in real life. It was like having a secret crush on that gentle-looking hunk in the library but knowing it would remain just that because he was someone else's boyfriend. And even if he were free, he would never give me a second glance given the state of affairs of my looks compared to his gorgeous girl! (This is an actual story but that's for another blog entry)

So in graduate school, there I was, a small fry swimming  in a big, big  intellectual sea when I was caught unexpectedly by the call to teach. "Who me? Are you serious?" In the middle of my disbelief that some people would think  that I could do it, I reassured myself that the invitation was only for an instrumental purpose. (Emergency hire ako! Wala na ibang makuha kaya puede na rin akong pagtiyagaan!) So I had no illusions that they wanted me for my brain. (Maybe my looks? They had improved tremendously by then! Hehehe!)

And now that I've been here for what seems like forever, I still cannot shake off the feeling that  I remain to be an inconsequential (and now fading) star in this big expanse of space. The megastars continue to shine and new stars are even emerging. (Read that as "even students are smarter and younger colleagues are better teachers than you!")  The sweet romance has turned into a arduous battle to rise above mediocrity and unending toil to prove I have righteously earned a place here.

I think I am beginning to tire of always having to quell thoughts that I do not deserve to stay in this tentative relationship. Of always having to look over my shoulder and being careful not to be found out that the love I have invested is faltering.  I have grown weary of seeing that my best is still not enough.  I have learned that there are safer places in this world for my self-esteem. I have grown emotionally tired and yet strangely, the illicitness of it all still manages to excite me once in a while. To make me stay.

This semester, I'll see how it turns out. Maybe I'll fall in love again, head over heels, with teaching and do whatever it takes to stay in UP (Oh no, PhD!!!). Or maybe I'll realize it was just an infatuation to begin with and that is why it no longer rocks my world! Maybe I'll win the lottery which will free me to pursue my One True Love ... one that will me love me back, passionately and unconditionally. Maybe, maybe, maybe!