Jandrea...so far

 My dearest Tinggoy, you were more than a cousin to me! Like a brother and a friend, you generously shared your life with us! I know a piece of my heart will always be missing now that you have gone ahead of us! I’d like to think that  this piece and many other pieces from those who loved you will come together to become the eagle’s wings that will carry you safely to the Lord’s embrace!  https://youtu.be/d6E-Mw1fnzE?si=kGUbwuEtLHzxEf8c

Sharing my Praise Report with all of you It has been a tumultuous year, starting in January 2023 when I discovered a lump on my chest area and being told in January 2024 that our prayers for my healing and recovery have been answered! Truly, God has been with us in this bumpy journey. Early on, I envisioned a big, jaw-dropping miracle of complete healing but it was not to be! My realization now is that God always provided me with small, quiet miracles that mattered while I was going through the arduous process of  consultations, tests, and treatments.  First, the side effects I experienced were tolerable and I did not fall seriously sick while my immune system was compromised. Most times, I was surprised by the calmness I felt even when hearing bad news and going through painful procedures!  Sa totoo lang, hindi ako umiyak kahit minsan. (sige na nga, mayroon namang 2 luha na pumatak pero hanggang doon lang)!  Second, muddled medical issues would always be resolved an...

Noon, nang si Narda pa lang ako,  Simple lang ang  buhay.  Walang malubhang pinagkakaabalahan At nagpapabalisa ng isipan.  Kay daling hanapan ng lunas,  Kung may suliranin man.  Ngunit nang natuklasan ko at  Nilunok ang mahiwagang bato Nagbukas ito sa akin sa bagong mundo Masalimuot, magulo Darna!!! Si Darna ay puno ng lakas sa pagharap sa anumang kalamidad.  Winawaksi, mga masasamang-loob Ipinagtatanggol,  mga naaapi at naaapakan.  Laging wagi sa anumang digmaan! Ngunit bakit hirap niyang labanan Pagsugat sa kanyang puso at damdamin Pagsangga sa mga dagok Dala ng nakakubling pag-irog.  Sa harap ng pagsusumamo ng tinatangi,  Hindi siya makapag-isip nang husto  Sa likod ng kilig at saya,  May nagtatagong mga luha pala. Ayoko na yatang maging Darna.  Ayoko na ng mga pangamba!  Ayoko na ng kaba na bumabalot sa aking dibdib  Dahil sa paglimot sa mga pagkilos na matuwid. ...

 Found this in an old album created in February 2019. I can’t even remember if I ever delivered what I wrote but after reading this, I thought it was stuff good enough to share… I. Why I was asked to give the welcome remarks: Not because I am beautiful but because I am only 1 of 2 seniors in the Execom.   II. Pero sa totoo lang kahit feel ng nanay at tatay ko na maganda ako, hindi naman ako pinasali sa beauty contest nang bata pa ako. At alam ko na kung bakit! Kailangan kasi maputi, sexy, at matangkad. E hanggang height lang meron ako!        A. Too dark, black beauty        C. Too thin III. Good thing these standards of beauty no longer apply to us. For me, the standards of beauty change when we reach our Senior years         A. Instead of a shapely body, our lumps and bumps are beautiful because these are the evidence to we carried a child, brought it to life, and prepared many meals for our family’s sustenance....

On my way home from my 9th chemo session at the hospital, I remember that the sun shone brightly in the midst of grey clouds! It looked like it was going to rain, but did not! Just like the hiccups and wrinkles we experience every time a chemo session is scheduled, at the end of the day everything goes well!  I am on my way home and the gold of the sun manages to outshine the grays of the clouds!   

 Balak ko noon ay abutin Rurok ng langit Kalalim-laliman ng dagat Magkabilang dulo ng daigdig Ngunit ang laan pala sa akin  Yakapin  ang liwanag ng buwan Sisirin ang kaalaman ng mundo At tahakin ang landas patungo sa iyo! 

 They say that what you say or do reflects your inner world! Two days ago, I spent many minutes staring into a blank piece of paper trying to conjure an image from the depths of me that I could translate into art! It was after midnight, dark and quiet, and I was hoping to create something sinister because of the atmosphere! Instead, the first strokes of the paintbrush yielded regular, everyday flowers! How boring, I thought! With strong intent to veer away from ordinariness, the next floral images emerged from my imagination! In the blank space left after sleep crept into me, I would paint a tree the next morning. The task was completed yielding something both unexpected and expected! I started with the objective of culling something from the darkness of me and yet what came out was a work that was light and color-filled!  My realization: “Kahit pala may ikinukubli sa  dilim, mahirap palang pigilan ang pagdungaw ng liwanag!”

 

 Saw this picture in the web and it caught my eye because of the symbols found in the ring. Once upon a time, they bore a heavy signifcance in my life. They stood for how two people could never be together, no matter how they tried. 

 I realized not too long ago that when you’re a retired senior and no longer answerable to people or an organization, you are free to open a gate which allows you to release your pent-up frustrations and you no longer mince words to express them! Colorful language, while shocking to others, especially if they’re coming from normally prim and proper you, is only an exercise in coming up with puns and hilarious and witty comebacks for those who make you suffer!  On the other hand, your creativity and imagination is also allowed to run free because you are no longer afraid of criticism and consequences! Even if people will probably not heap praises on a creative work, you do it anyway because it makes you happy! That’s all that should matter! Clumsy works can always be excused on account of your advanced age and inexperience with something new, you reason! So like the child that you were 6 decades ago, you go ahead and paint a mythical land where blue trees grow flowers of very h...

  If a disgrace from the past is buried with fragrant flowers, will it be forgiven?  Will their overpowering scent erase the stench of a hundred transgressions?  Never to eat away at the fibers of your conscience.  Never anymore to remind you that you once gravely sinned.  And never to rouse the ghost of memories that haunts even your waking hours!  Oh, I beg on my knees that a thousand blooms would rain on me now!

  I had two great loves.  One, my safe place  The other, my biggest adventure!  I had to choose one over the other And I am the better person But sometimes, sadder, for it!   

  It was where I sought refuge from the boundaries of my boxed-in world!  It was where I could examine my failures and disappointments before I released them into nothingness!  It was where my tears could flow in copious amounts but leave me smiling in the aftermath.  It was where I allowed my spirit to soar, even to sin, without fear of reprisal. It was where God always forgave me even if I thought I shouldn’t forgive myself!  It was where my soul was nourished, year after year, so I could be who I am!

  I recently found a line drawing that I probably did in 2004. At that  time, in the midst of many trying hours of work, I had to find an outlet for the stress and angst I was going through!   For years, the drawing lay dormant inside a sketchbook. After all, new chapters had opened and closed in my life! Much like yesteryear’s feelings that evoked the original image.  Today, I worked on it using watercolor paint & watercolor pencils - trying to put in all that I have learned using a new art medium. It no longer hurt putting the small and seemingly imperceptible images that belonged to this picture! Time does add a different perspective to how we do and see things! 

In the distance, a lone cello is playing   The forgotten song of my heart  Warm, earthy, like vapors after a summer rain Rising from the stoney paths Where years ago, our hands met. Muffled echoes of plaintive sighs Escaping from the empty, cavernous space  Where my heart, loving you then, once throbbed  Each low, pianissimo tone caressing    the scars Of my wounds long healed. Staccato notes, teasing the corners of my mouth Waking up the smiles that once Contained our secrets Staining my mouth once more With lies disguised as fervent kisses Abruptly, the mournful melody dies. Just a few measures short Of its awaited, dulcet ending Only your mute music lingers   And stays to embrace my heart.

 

 

 

 On random nights When sleep eludes me I reread poems That I wrote for you Like tentatively pushing away Flimsy cobwebs in dark corners Revealing venomous memories long dead Like slowly picking on scabs Covering my healing heart Just until they bleed once more.