Jandrea...so far

 In 1973, I graduated from high school and a few months later, entered UP Diliman as a college freshman. A mixture of exhiliration and a sense of foreboding (Martial Law baby here) accompanied my first few weeks there. My teachers were brilliant and many of my classmates were not so far behind! On some days, I felt proud of myself for just being there but on most days (especially during Math 11), I wondered whether I would even survive the semester! But there was one place where I felt safe! It was in my English 1 class and our teacher was Prof. Amelia Lapena-Bonifacio.  She not only taught us the rudiments of writing in English but regaled us with stories of her life! Mrs. B radiated an aura of kindness, gentleness, and patience and thus, the hours I spent in her clasroom were not filled with my academic insecurities!  One day, she asked me and another classmate to stay after class. Intensely curious about the reason for this, I nervously did that. She asked us what we w...

In the past, I’ve written poetry only when I was either in a state of misery or jubilation. My poetry authentically described what I was experiencing and hoped to do about it. But when faced with normal and regular events in my life, the well of words and emotions in me did not yield much! In recent months, I have decided that I can still write about people in my imagination! I can use the restlessness and turmoil caused by the pandemic to create stories and use this energy to write poetry again. They don’t have to be about me! All they have to do is tell a story! And maybe touch someone else’s heart!   And so here’s one...  

It was where I sought refuge from the boundaries in my boxed-in world It was where I could examine my failures and disappointments before I released them into nothingness It was where my tears could flow in copious amounts but leave me smiling in the aftermath It was where I allowed my spirit to soar, even to sin, without fear of reprisal It was where God always forgave me even if I thought I should not forgive myself It was where my soul was nourished, year after year, so I could be who I am!  Covid-19 has stolen my haven! Tagaytay, please wait for me...

Today, on All Souls Day 2020, thinking of our loved ones who have gone on ahead of us!  We remember with much love the days you spent with us. And trying not to miss too much the laughter and smiles we shared. May you peacefully rest in the bosom of the Almighty! May you pray for us as we continue to tread dangerous waters with our flimsy minds and bodies! Go placidly into the gentle night ...

I did these 2 oil paintings when I was about 11 years old! Pretty amazing, my adult self would think right now! But way back then, I wasn’t impressed with my work because I thought I couldn’t faithfully reproduce the scenes I based my work on! Even from the perspective of a child, I thought they were childish! They were not realistic enough and I felt it wasn’t all my work! My painting teacher had put in finishing touches to make it more alive! So I thought I didn’t deserve the accolades I would get before!  After the summer group lessons ended, I think I stopped painting also. However, my teacher asked Mama if he could get me to model for a painting. I was excited about it but I don’t know exactly why this never materialized. Whatever the reason was might also be the reason why I gave up doing art. I never really realized that it was a loss for me since I could have been the subject of a painting done by Mr. Jaime de Guzman, a now a renowned artist whose works are housed in the Cu...

 Found an old piano piece of mine! Judging by my handwriting on the piece, I must have been in elementary then! I tried playing it again and brought back memories of struggling with my piano lessons. Now I know why I gave up on my dream of being a concert pianist someday! Haha!  But thanks to my first piano teacher at age 6, Sr. Cecile Belen, SFIC and my long suffering piano teacher until high school, Ms. Tessie Serrano, I can at least learn pieces on my own and play music that I like ! And that really, really warms my heart!

 I’ve made sure to take most of these things into consideration when I crafted my syllabus and requirements for this semester! But the numerous changes have resulted in a lot of anxiety in me, day in and day out! Am I doing things right? Am I doing enough to be an effective teacher? Am I asking students to do too little or too much? I think it’s time for me to lower my expectations of myself and just try to make the best of the situation! A lesson I should learn from all these is that I have to be kinder to myself during these not-so-normal days!

Last night, on our bed, I took off the rollers in my hair before I went to sleep. Too sleepy to put them away, I woke up with them beside my pillow. As I picked them up, I espied grey hair remaining in their little spines. And just because seemingly insignificant things like that take on meaning for me, I asked myself why the heck would someone like me who has almost a headful of grey hair bother about primping myself! And at this time of a pandemic, particularly! When we are confined to our homes 24/7 anyway! Life should go on! Not as they used to be but even more! We need a push towards living better than before! While we have learned to discard non-essentials like frivolous clothes and nake-up, I think we should keep in mind what they were originally intended for. To make us look good and attractive to others? Maybe so!  But for me, it is more about feeling good about ourselves! Sans make-up and all external trappings, that is the essence that we should preserve and use to ...

It’s funny but more sad that I spent most of yesterday crying over someone that I really liked back in college. It wasn’t one of those unrequited loves where the person knew about my feelings but couldn’t reciprocate them. It was more of a restless feeling that befuddled my brain and created stirrings in my heart for while. It was a you’re-always-in-my thoughts and can’t-wait-to-see-and-talk-to-you state of mind. It was what a 19-year-old would label as a serious crush that could have future possibilities!  It was a quiet secret, not to be shared with anyone. It was just being happily content in his company and reveling in the care and thoughtfulness that he showed to everyone (not just me!). It was a I-think-he-likes-me-too-but-maybe-he’s-with-someone-else hopelessness! That scenario would define the last of my college and teen years.  So when I had to leave for reasons beyond my control, I chose to just keep that feeling inside of me. I believed that there was a chance to se...

   Lately, I have been doing art using my chalk and soft pastel! It was not the first time I tried this as seen in the sketchbooks I unearthed from a box containing my art supplies and previous works. But since the pandemic has kept us in quarantine 24/7, I have discovered this passion once again. Inspired with photos I took in the past and those that catch my eye from many sources, I have managed to produce at least one piece every other week during the period that we have been confined inside our home!  At the very least, it has kept me both busy and entertained during moments that I find my daily routine intolerable! Every finished work is a testament to my small steps to think out of the box and to be no longer afraid of possible criticisms from others. When I share pictures on social media, the positive remarks I receive from friends boost my morale and fuels my confidence! But more than these, I am glad that I have been pointed towards this direction because my art ...

I had forgotten just how beautiful the Golden Shower tree was in front of our home when it is in full bloom! Since the quarantine period, I had just always seen it from inside the house and missed how it was in its entirety! I guess that’s how we also sometimes fail to see how we are from the point of view of other people. We either see only our good side and ignore our faults that adversely affect other people’s lives ! Or maybe just as sad, we only see our weaknesses and limitations but are blind to the good in us that other people see as light in these dark times!

It is such a difficult time! There are days that tears just fall without reason. But I get up because both sacred and profane routine calls me to do so! But it is really faith in God that sustains me. That all these shall come to pass... in His perfect appointed time!

I must have been 10 or 11 when I nurtured visions of myself playing on a stage of a large concert hall. But that dream was not to be. After studying piano for maybe 14 years, I realized the only audience I would end up impressing with my playing would be... no one. Not even myself! Today, those thoughts were confirmed while struggling with a piano piece that I have studying. After a few years, I still can't get it right. Drat and a double drat! Anything "artistic" that only some can aspire to do, I have at least learned how to do at some point in my life. I can play the piano, guitar, and marimba. I sang with a choir for some years, even earning a chance to be soloist at least once. I have acted in and even directed plays, performing in many corners of the country. I even used to paint a little and when inspiration moves me, still try to draw. Dance lessons were part of my summer repertoire. I've even written poems and articles which had received some recognit...

I am teaching my heart not to feel  As it is the only way I can survive.  The tears will eventually run dry,  I know.  Like so many years ago  When I stopped loving you.  But this time It will be different.  I will continue loving you,  But apart from you.  No longer thinking of you Every single day. No longer holding on To dreams of being with you But images of you will be hard to erase So they will remain Forever etched In my body, heart and soul!

Para akong nauupos na kandila Hayaan ko na lang kayang matunaw ang pangungulila Walang matira sa pag-irog, ni hibla. Upang sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata Sa madilim na katotohanan, Mapait na pagpapatunay Na sa aking buhay Siya ay lumisan na.

They say that in many cases of people suffering from Alhzeimer’s disease, they are able to retrieve memories from their distant past but are no longer able to form new memories. I am guessing that  those that are more readily retrieved and reported with more details are those that made us laugh and cry with all our heart (hypothesis coming from this psychologist). I wonder now which memories from my youth will I remember when I’m ancient and possibly lost in my own world. I know for certain  that my unrequited loves (I had quite a few!) will be on that playlist! Will I have any regrets in my old age about never telling them then about my feelings? Would I ask myself whether my life would have been different if I had bared my heart? Pablo Neruda’s Sonnet XVII is here saying what I couldn’t say before... https://youtu.be/CO7EPbNJACk

The Sky is Crying for Me (written in 2009 on the day my mother was buried) Do not be fooled By the facade of strength and Zen calmness Inside me dwells A well of grief For things that couldn't be And for someone I will never again see. Rain is pouring, steady, strong Then it stops, only to come back again And again...and again Challenging my child-like faith That the sun would light her way Home. But no, the sky is in mourning too Shedding the tears That I do not care to show Slowly washing away Regrets and resentments Till they be no more The garden she loved is green The leaves glisten The flowers are in bloom They have been watered  By memories of one who loved us Above all. I am at peace. For Mama  (December 12, 1922 - June 11, 2009)

Found this in an old blog which I no longer use. It was written in 2005 It seems I have this affliction of shedding tears at the slightest heart-tugging stimulus. It can get pretty embarassing! Sappy movies... Funerals of people I barely know... ICUs ... talking-about-me music and poetry... Moments of pure love. I have mastered the art of averting or even hiding my tears.  Nangingilid ang luha? Simple, you just cough a little, blow your nose, and say I'm coming down with a cold! How about those which stream down your face? Wiping the sweat off,  ano pa ? Now stifling sobs is a little harder but can still be disguised. I've been known to explain that as hiccups, what else? But what happens when without rational cause, in your place of work which has paper-thin walls and with a slew of people coming and going, you have an overwhelming need to cry your heart out ( hagulhol )? What do you do or where do you go? A dear, dear person figured it out for me. Just when I was gettin...

Hayaan mo nang takpan ng mga ulap ang ngiti ko Bayaan na ang gabing madilim, maging kakampi ko Sa pagpigil ng pagsambit ng niloloob ng puso ko. Tunay na dahilan, aking kailangang ikubli Hindi pa ako handa na ipagtapat ... na ako'y bungi!

As a child and through my teens, I literally made up movies in my mind! In the movie, I would be the protagonist and I would have a handsome love interest who was cruel because he was clueless about how much I was suffering because he loved someone else! I would come up with lines that I would constantly revise until I came up with the most clever repartees and most memorable lines! The stories would  be sad in the beginning but usually ended happily. But not always! The tragic endings I concocted had me actually but secretly shedding tears and feeling sorry for myself! Now, during this period of uncertainties with too much time to think, I find myself creating stories again! But unlike in my youth, they are not purely from my imagination. The movies have scenes  straight from events in my life that I would have wanted to forget but cannot.  The settings are in familiar, everyday places but with a significance known only to me. The  dialogue is lifted from unrehear...

Dear Psych 124 and Psych 145 students, I’m sure you have heard about the BOR approval of the recommendations of the Presidential Advisory Council (PAC). Pending the issuance of the Implementing Procedures and Guidelines, the Psych department faculty will meet on April 22 to come up with measures that will take into utmost consideration the situation and sentiments of students!  Rest assured that your Psych teachers remain to be conscious of your needs during this period! These last few weeks has been difficult for me as well. Being a teacher is not the only role I have to play in this crisis situation. Every single day, I have to make a decision as to which role takes precedence over the others. Please pardon me if in the past few weeks, being a wife, mother, and household manager have been my priority. Sometimes, even the seemingly simple task of making sure of having food on our table takes most of my attention. I have also lost time and energy mourning the deaths of people I...

  For days, since the COVID-19 became pandemic, I had been silently shedding tears for many reasons. One day, for the death of the father of a former student. On another day, by news that former students had volunteered to stay on on as medical interns in PGH even if their program had been suspensed. It was as if I could feel the anxiety of the families left behind while these future doctors risked their young lives.  Following these days, crying had become a daily occurrence as I went through both sad news of more deaths and alarming information about the spread of the disease. Work demands were also raising my anxiety levels and I was slowly being pulled into an emotional state that I could say was bordering on desperation. But nothing would prepare me for the devastating news that a friend of mine had died of severe pneumonia related to the dreaded virus. We were just almost through the first week of the quarantine and somehow the gravity of the situation did not hit me ...

There is a question whether “physical distancing” should be used instead of “social distancing” to describe the measures we need to undertake to help curb the spread of the Corona virus. While this teacher of Psychology of Language prefers the former because using it makes it clearer to people the specific behavior that this concept entails, I also cannot discard the usefulness of the latter term when trying to understand what being away and apart from others can do to our inner emotional world.  My family was attending the 6 PM online mass last Sunday. We were projecting the Mass on our living room wall so that the large image of the celebration helped us imagine that we were inside the church! Suddenly, we heard a loud voice from outside our house saying, "Pow, laksan mo ang volume"!  We were surprised to see my sister and her assistant looking in through our windows but behind the wall separating our houses. Apparently, they had realized that the online mass was better s...

For Fr. Ron Mariano Roberto on his 10th Sacerdotal Ordination Anniversary The past few weeks have been filled with a lot of challenges brought about the COVID-19 situation. What started as seemingly just a minor health concern that could be easily handled by taking heed of prescribed measures has progressed into battling an enemy with unknown and fearful powers that have already resulted in death for many. Two Sundays ago, while serving mass as commentator, I regretted at not staying home even if I felt weak because midway through the mass I got dizzy and nauseous. I threw up in an adjoining room soon before I could go home. Thoughts of the virus filled my head but because it was an unusually warm day, I attributed my condition to heat exhaustion. But alarm levels were ringing in my head! The following day, I dealt with what felt like a throat infection by using my full arsenal of essential oils for boosting my immunity, salabat, and Pei Pa Koa. Battle won after 4 days! So even if ...