Requiescat in pace

 
For days, since the COVID-19 became pandemic, I had been silently shedding tears for many reasons. One day, for the death of the father of a former student. On another day, by news that former students had volunteered to stay on on as medical interns in PGH even if their program had been suspensed. It was as if I could feel the anxiety of the families left behind while these future doctors risked their young lives.  Following these days, crying had become a daily occurrence as I went through both sad news of more deaths and alarming information about the spread of the disease. Work demands were also raising my anxiety levels and I was slowly being pulled into an emotional state that I could say was bordering on desperation.

But nothing would prepare me for the devastating news that a friend of mine had died of severe pneumonia related to the dreaded virus. We were just almost through the first week of the quarantine and somehow the gravity of the situation did not hit me until I read the message that she was gone. It took some few minutes to be convinced that someone I knew personally had perished and in such painfully lonely circumstances.

Before this day, a profound experience had helped pull me out from a dark place I was entering but this glimmer of light was suddenly dimmed by A’s death. Sharing the same grief, my friends and I could only console each other online the whole day, remembering the goodness and warmth of A, all the while wallowing in tears.

I told myself I would just grieve for one day, afraid that that my immunity would be at risk with prolonged mourning. But it is impossible not to cry as the number of deaths do not abate. Then there are also songs & poetry that anger, soothe, and inspire! There are tributes for frontliner heroes, reassuring prayers for those overtaken by fear and anxiety, and touching anecdotes of people who have survived! All these contribute to exceeding my daily quota of tears (I am amazed at how much tears humans can have stored inside of them!). But I no longer see them as evidence of weakness but as a gift to cope with loss and the uncertainties of the future. The tears do not succeed in thoroughly cleansing my sorrow but they do give my soul momentary peace.

Thank you for being our friend! Rest in peace, Aileen!