Sentimental fool

It’s funny but more sad that I spent most of yesterday crying over someone that I really liked back in college. It wasn’t one of those unrequited loves where the person knew about my feelings but couldn’t reciprocate them. It was more of a restless feeling that befuddled my brain and created stirrings in my heart for while. It was a you’re-always-in-my thoughts and can’t-wait-to-see-and-talk-to-you state of mind. It was what a 19-year-old would label as a serious crush that could have future possibilities! 

It was a quiet secret, not to be shared with anyone. It was just being happily content in his company and reveling in the care and thoughtfulness that he showed to everyone (not just me!). It was a I-think-he-likes-me-too-but-maybe-he’s-with-someone-else hopelessness! That scenario would define the last of my college and teen years. 

So when I had to leave for reasons beyond my control, I chose to just keep that feeling inside of me. I believed that there was a chance to see him again! And maybe things will be different then. But I knew that while the seed of longing for him was planted in my heart, it would soon wither and die. At least that is what I hoped for so that the sadness in my being would be abated. It was all that my 20-year-old heart could muster at that time! 

And now after more than 40 years, I remember my last moments with him prior to my leaving for my first job, my thoughts of him as I passed through his hometown, the tidbits of information about him that I heard from friends, and fast-forward to his smile after we accidentally saw each other on the street a few years ago! 

I will allow this foolish woman to mourn for this kind man by letting her tears fall unashamedly. I will let her thoughts of what might have happened if she had not been afraid to share her feelings with him go on and on! I will make her realize that maybe their lives that never intersected during all these years was how it was meant to be! 

On and on. Until her soul has been washed anew by those tears! Until the sky allows the pink tint that was him in her life to show through the gray clouds. Until she is comforted with the thought that now he knows her secret and bids her adieu with the warmest of his smiles! 


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